I have had a lot of thoughts on my mind recently. As the name of this blog suggests, I am going to verbally process (through typing). I know a lot of what I am about to say is dumb and many of you will have thoughts and things to say, but know that I am not seeking advice or pity. I just need to get this out:
I have struggled a lot with what is in line with God’s plan and our having children. I end up asking myself many questions, many of which conflict with each other:
- What if it’s God’s plan for us not to have kids?
- How will we know whether it is or not?
- Are we not trusting in God enough if we go to see the doctor?
- Aren’t doctors God’s will?
- At what point will we know if we’re just being stubborn?
- Is it wise to spend money on medical bills for something that may never happen?
- How do I know if I am not trusting the Lord?
- What the heck is wrong with me?
My husband has been very helpful in allowing me to ask these questions out loud so that they don’t seem so ridiculous and we can talk through and pray about them. But one thing lingers. The greatest internal struggle that I am harboring the most is this: What is the balance between trusting in the natural human body and God’s sovereignty versus utilizing modern medicine, which was created by God? How I wish there was a meter that could show me what my heart is truly placing trust in.
Soon, it will be time to go back to school. Assuming I do not get pregnant this month, the next steps involve a higher dose of ovulation hormones paired with direct injections of another hormone.
My. Poor. Students.
Knowing what the lower dosage of just one hormone did to my mood and emotions, I can only imagine what the next steps will be like. If you are a coworker of mine, I apologize in advance (although many of you that know me well enough know that I do not have any trouble saying “I’m sorry”). Know that I will continue to do my best at work and put my students first always, but also know that if you hear the kids saying things about me going crazy, there is at least a reason this time.
Verbal Processing 
I remember the struggle so well…where is that line between trusting HIM and doing my part. Knowing HE is the only creator of life, but not knowing if HE was going to create life in me. I battled within myself for a long time, I knew the desire to be a mama was a dream within me that HE put there, it was for HIS glory. I was just so focused on the 1 way to become a mama I didn’t see past it. I wanted the feeling of a baby growing inside me and I wanted to be able to nurse a child I birthed, but the dream was to be a mama. When I finally broke down after we had exhausted our options and IVF was our last option, it felt wrong, I asked HIM to provide children or remove the dream from me. That’s when HE led us to foster adopt. In my story, HE needed me to truly submit and be willing to let go of the dream I had since I was 8, before HE unraveled HIS plan for us.
Walking through the dark valley of infertility was one of the most difficult times in my life. I had friends from a PCOS and infertility support group that helped me with the journey, but it was still misery. It has helped strengthen my trust in JESUS, now that I can look back and see HE had a specific path for my dreams and had prepared me for it well in advance. As hard as it’s been, I wouldn’t change a thing about it. I’m a mama (that’s been a whole other challenge), and my trust and relationship with HIM is so much stronger because of it all.
Praying you through this valley, HE always brings you through to the top with a great view to see the beauty of what you just went through but couldn’t see while in it.
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