We Hit the Ground Running

This past Saturday, I had an egg retrieval for IVF!

Even though we hit a lot of obstacles getting to this point, it finally happened, and I am recovering well and quickly. I had to do injections for 14 days to prepare for the retrieval which included a trigger shot that I had to have my husband do for me. The trigger shot was a much larger needle than the rest of the injections (so far) and it had to be injected on my backside since it was an intramuscular injection.

I have had a LOT of appointments up until this point though and it is more than exhausting planning for things at school and making sub plans last minute (as I have already expressed my stress levels about). This past week, when things were still up in the air, I had to deal with a pretty stressful situation in which my brother saved my butt. I had an appointment on Wednesday morning where I was told I would most likely take my trigger shot that night and then have the egg retrieval on Friday. I had already taken time off for Friday earlier that week and had sub plans ready to go.

Then I got a phone call Wednesday afternoon around noon… I needed to take the stimulation medicine for one or two more days and that my retrieval was going to be pushed back to Saturday or Sunday, also I would have to go back in Thursday morning. I could deal with that and figure out the sub plans and time off, but I had a bigger problem: I was out of stimulation injections. The doctor offered to have someone on their team find some samples that I could come back to get. Then it got more interesting: I had to pick it up in their Richmond office (there were not any samples in Norfolk) and I had to pick it up before their office closed at 3:15. Also, I had to take these injections by 6:00pm. (Remember that I live in Newport News and work in Windsor).

I panicked a little bit and called my husband to try and figure this out. I had just gotten to work a little over an hour ago and if I was going to make it to Richmond in time, I would have to leave right now and find coverage for my classes. My husband was not able to leave work. I thought about how one of my brothers lived in Richmond and wondered if I could send him to pick up the medicines for me. I called my brother and, luckily for me, his classes had been canceled for the day. That meant he was free to do me a HUGE favor. I called the doctor’s office back, and finally got to a point where I could send my brother to pick up the medicine for me.

That morning I drove from Newport News to Norfolk, from Norfolk to Windsor, left work in Windsor immediately after the students left to drive to Richmond, and then drove back home to Newport News to take my medicines before my husband and I went to small group at church that night. I was TIRED that night.

After my appointment the next morning, I got the word that my follicles were finally big enough and my hormone levels were finally high enough. I took the trigger shot at 8:00pm on Thursday night to prepare for the egg retrieval at 8:00am on Saturday (it has to be precisely timed). My husband did the trigger shot for me Thursday night and then drove me to my appointment in Richmond early Saturday morning that we left for at 5:30am.

My husband cared for, and has continued to care for, me in the best ways. He made sure I was comfy, took a nap, ate foods I could handle, he has cooked and cleaned and taken care of everything as I have recovered.

Going into the retrieval, my doctor said that I had 6-7 follicles that would be possible eggs. Once I woke up from the procedure, the doctor told me that they got 6 eggs. This morning I got the phone call to let me know of the fertilization results of the 6 eggs:

5 of the eggs were mature, 1 was not mature enough to do anything with
1 of the eggs did not fertilize
2 of the eggs definitely fertilized
2 of the eggs could go either way

As of now, we are taking this as good news. I will get a phone call on Tuesday to let me know what time my possible appointment will be for an embryo transfer in Richmond on Thursday. Thursday morning they will give me a call to let me know if one of the embryos is developed enough for me to have a transfer that day or if they need to wait an extra day. The rest of the embryos (if we have any) will be frozen for us to try and have more kids later on.

I have been telling others that we are practicing cautious optimism. Of course we wish all of the eggs had fertilized, we also wish that we had a kid or two by now. The fertilized eggs still may not get to what is called blastocyst stage, so we are still praying for healthy development of the eggs that fertilized.

A quick shot of campus at my alma mater, CNU!

A Confession and An Update

If you have not noticed, these posts are being fewer and further in between. Part of that is because less is happening less often. There have been really long periods of waiting for the next thing and the next doctor’s appointment. The other part is that I have emotionally been bottling a lot up. I have not wanted to talk about how I am feeling or admit my darkest thoughts and feelings.

For those of you who do not know, we are starting the daunting journey into IVF (In-Virto Fertilization). I am in a state of whirling back and forth between being incredibly excited and absolutely terrified. I was on Provera for ten days and then it took twelve days for a period (or withdrawl bleed) to start. It should have happened between two and ten days after stopping the medication.

After I finally started, I had a saline sonogram to check for fibroids and poylps or other irregularities as well as a trial/mock transfer to prepare for the real thing. It was NOT PLEASANT. I cramped so much that I was exhausted the rest of the day. They found that my uterus looks great, but I was still bleeding even though it was day eight of my cycle, making the pictures hazy. Because it was hazy, they had to inject more saline a few more times than they were anticipating, which was the cause of the extra cramping. When they were finished with the sonogram, they did an ultrasound to check my ovaries. They saw a large cyst on my left ovary at which all three doctors in the room said in chorus, “OOOHHHHH!!!” Apparently the collapsing cyst was the cause of my period lasting so long, why it took me so long to start bleeding, and why there was still so much blood. It will probably also affect whether or not I ovulate on time.

I am currently taking ovulation tests to try and determine when I ovulate. If I don’t have an LH surge (essentially meaning I ovulated) by this Monday, I will have to get bloodwork done to determine where I am in my cycle. Depending on how that turns out will determine when I start using estrogen patches that I will replace every few days.

Once the cycle after this coming one starts (hopefully on a typical timeline) I will start the injection and medication regimen for IVF. We have already ordered and received the IVF medications. YALL. There are SO MANY MEDICATIONS. I had heard about all of the medications and the insanity that comes with it. When the box appeared on my front porch, I could not believe the Mary Poppins-esque box as I continued to pull out medication after medication.

Unfortunately, timing is not on my side. When I start injections and medications to prepare for the egg retrieval and the embryo transfer, I will have to go in every two to three days for ultrasounds and blood work to determine dosing. These will all end up happening during the first month of school, which is not exactly convenient. After having such a ridiculous year and a half at school from “you know what,” I do not want to put my students through more inconsistency. I know this is a price to pay and that finally getting pregnant is important, but please pray for my babies and for me to help them have a sense of solidarity.

Before we could even start this process, my husband and I had to watch several video modules to prepare for this process. We watched over an hours worth of material before we could sign consents and documents. I then had to watch several videos on how to mix, extract, and take the injectable medicines. Talk about overwhelming. As I watched them, all I could think about are all the women that have had to go through this already and many times. I am in awe of their strength (as well as their organization!)

In the past few months, I have had the realization that I need to confess something to myself and maybe to those around me. I am starting to become really jealous of those with babies and those who are pregnant. It did not used to bother me before; I love babies and I love being around babies!! Recently, however, I have found myself looking around me, longing to be in other’s position, thinking about how things would be if I was “normal” and had children already. I want to say again though, I am not upset to be around your babies. I am not upset to see your baby pictures. They bring me so much joy and I am sincerely grateful to have a glimpse into your life and into the life of your sweet babies. I just want to be you, to be in your position, now more than ever.

If you are reading this and you are one of my dear friends who is pregnant or has a baby, please know that I love you and your baby dearly. I do not feel anything negative toward you. I want to hang out with you and I want to hold your baby and I want to help you (if you want it!) with your baby and talk with you about how motherhood has been wonderful or awful. I want you to be honest with me and share your life with me. My jealousy is my problem that I am working through, but it does not and should not affect my relationship with you and your sweet children.

I am grateful for where we are and I am grateful that this process is on its way. We love you all and appreciate the prayers and well wishes! If things go well, we could have the opportunity to be pregnant by the beginning of October!

Pit of Despair

On January 1, 2020, I believed that this would be our year to become parents. I thought for sure that we would have a little one in our arms, sitting by the Christmas tree, showing them all of the sparklies. I thought we would have the honor of reading through the family catechisms and introducing our little human to the joy of Christmas and the honor that we have to be able to celebrate this season. It’s now December of 2020, and there is not a little one in my womb, much less in our arms.

We’ve tried IUI three times so far and I am on treatment now for the fourth round. There’s no way I will (knowingly) be pregnant in 2020. The earliest I would test for pregnancy in the current timeline would be January 1, 2021. My heart is broken, and I am tired of childlessness. I am tired of trying to be strong and be a source of hope for others. I still WANT to be, but I am weary and broken.

When our county decided to bring students back into the building for school, I knew something had to give. We have students split into groups that come to school in an alternating fashion after already being split by exploratory class, so in short, that means I only see my students once a week. The groups I see on Monday I do not see again until the next Monday.

When the last round of IUI did not work, which was by far the most disappointing, I knew that I would not be able to do the next round on the normal timeline due to the crazy work schedule. My appointments for checkups, blood work, and ultrasounds would have fallen on those weeks when I saw my students for the first time. I was not comfortable leaving them with a substitute after having zero expectations set for them for in-person learning. I knew them already from online learning, but the procedures and classroom management are different in the building. I could not bring myself to leave them without any frame of reference and to leave the sub with little-to-no structure.

Finally, now in December, I feel like I could leave my students and it not be a burden on a substitute (who would actually an Instructional Assistant in our building because we cannot bring in actual substitutes for health reasons) or on my students. It was a rough few days communicating with my doctor and the pharmacy and them working with insurance to get me a medicine to induce a period since I was not starting on my own. I took an ovulation test every day and none of them were positive, so I knew that I was not going to have a period any time soon. I tested for pregnancy (protocol) and called the doctor. Finally, I finished a round of 10 days of Provera, which is usually used to manage menopause symptoms.

It took a couple days after stopping the Provera, but I finally started my period and can get back on the IUI treatment cycle. I’ll go in on day 3 and day 8 at the very least and then called in again around day 13 or 14. As of right now, my timeline has me doing the IUI procedure the week before Christmas and testing for pregnancy on New Years Day. What a holiday season!

It has been a difficult few months. It seems like it is getting more and more difficult the longer time goes on. Being childless feels like a never ending curse, there is no light at the end of the tunnel. At the end of the day, I am either a mom or I am not. I am not. I pray daily for a child, for God to show us if we are supposed to keep pursuing IUI treatment or move to IVF or pursue adoption or to stop altogether. It does not seem like there is an answer coming. I often feel hopeless (although not completely, I know my hope is in the Lord, and that does bring me solace often). This despair is growing deeper and I find it more difficult to put on a happy face all the time for work and friends and church. I pray every morning for the strength to forget for a little bit so I can be an effective teacher and a meaningful friend and wife. It is exhausting.

I found myself recently not doing anything that I liked. I was just sitting in the dark. With school being so crazy and exhausting, I did not have the energy to go home and do something productive. My sweet husband has done so much for me while I wallow. He cooks and cleans and does the laundry for us, even when I have not done anything. If anyone is reading this that lives near by, send that man a gift.

I have started to force myself to do some things that bring me joy, even if I don’t feel like it, because I feel like I have done something. My husband has encouraged me in it too (without being too pushy). It’s at least a step up out of the pit. I started to force myself to do the dishes again. I was cooking again. I baked for fun and painted again. Even when I truly do not feel like it, it has been a step. I’ve also been faithful to journal and pray and read my Bible every day, even when I don’t want to. I find myself telling God, “Hey. I’m here. I don’t want to talk to you right now, but I will.” After awhile, my bitterness and icy heart breaks and I find myself coming to Him a lot more humbled.

Recently our church had a sermon on the prophecy and birth of John the Baptist, specifically Luke 1:1-25. What a beautiful story of the end of an age of waiting! Four hundred years of waiting for God to speak, and He brought pregnancy to a couple that were way beyond their child bearing years. Zechariah and Elizabeth were blessed by God with a child, and a very special child. One thing that my husband pointed out that brought a lot of comfort to the both of us was specifically that in verse 6, Zechariah and Elizabeth were called righteous and blameless. They were called these things despite the cultural label of being seen as shameful because they did not have children. The world at that time saw childlessness as a curse or punishment from God for something that they may have done. But then the Word of God counters this, calling them righteous and blameless. Their childlessness was NOT a curse. It was NOT a punishment. In fact, their childlessness brought glory and honor to the Lord, and they were blessed.

I am not saying that I am Elizabeth and that my husband is Zechariah. This story did, however, bring me great comfort. It is so easy for me to fall into this dark pit where I question everything and I wonder if I am being punished or if I did something terribly wrong to earn this. The story of John the Baptist’s birth being foretold is a story I will hold on to tightly, trying my best to continue to honor the Lord through this journey, even when I’m still climbing out of the pit.

Norfolk, the day my sister got ENGAGED!!!! 🙂

Harder the Second Time

We had our second round of IUI this past month and it did not end up in a pregnancy. I was sure to not get my hopes up as much this time, but for some reason, it hurts WAY more. I jumped right back in to taking hormones for the next round, jumping on the emotional rollercoaster that is hormonal therapy. There was not a lot of time to think and feel last time, it’s almost like it built up between the first time and this last time that all of the emotions I am feeling are pouring out.

One of the things I hear a lot (and don’t know how to respond to) is, “You are just so strong” and “I can’t imagine what you are going through” and “I don’t know how you do it.” I hear it a lot personally and I hear it being said to others going through the infertility as well. I see it on the social media posts and the blog comments. I hear it in my own life and I get the “look of pity” frequently. If you are the ones saying and doing those things, you are not in trouble. You are not a bad person and you are showing care, interest, and support, so we thank you. Just know, sometimes the response is going to be what I am about to say:

The short response is that I am not strong and I don’t know how I am doing it. I have felt more hopeless in the past two months than ever before and I feel like I am barely keeping it together. Now that it’s fall and the temperature is cooling down, social media is blooming with posts about apple picking and pumpkin patches, flannel and fancy fall drinks. Almost all of them I see are posts from friends that have small children that are LOVING the adventures and the outdoors. It’s everything I long for and it is too much to bear to see them and to feel jealousy. I immediately feel guilt for being jealous or envious. There is a lot of focus on the family right now between it being fall, the pandemic, and online school. Pastors, bloggers, social media posters, influencers, and parents are offering different types of advice for holding the family together during these pandemic times and they are filled with (mostly) lovely advice. How I long to have those problems, working hard to bring my children and family closer together.

My dear reader, if you do not know Jesus, these next words may not make sense, but I hope they make you think. The only way that I am getting through this is by the divine strength of Jesus. Every time I don’t feel like standing back up or getting out of bed or even opening my eyes from the previous blink, the Lord is my strength and he is carrying me through. It is NOT my strength, because currently I am the weakest I have ever been. The world says that if I want it bad enough and work hard enough (or in some cases, relax enough), I am going to get what I want. The Word says that I need to rely and lean into the strength that does not come from me. If it did, I would be in deep trouble. I am so glad for my husband and his constant support. He is an excellent partner and friend. His strength, however, to hold me and comfort me comes from the Lord as well.

This is not a pity post and I hope it doesn’t come across that way. This is a post of honestly and vulnerability, that infertility is not always about being strong and sometimes it is about being broken down to a point of being reminded that I cannot do this alone and that others can only help me so far. If I didn’t have hope in something greater, I would not carry on.

But I do, and I will.

IUI, Holding on to Hope, & Virtual Teaching

What. A. Month.

Thursday morning I brought a sample from my husband to the doctor’s office, went to a nearby coffee shop, wore a mask while getting some work done, went back for our second IUI procedure, and then drove to work for two sessions of virtual open houses for the coming school year. It had probably been the most relaxing day I have had in a few weeks.

Last month, we tried IUI for the first time. (Being that we are trying again, it obviously did not work.) I had a lot of hope though that it would and it made the negative pregnancy test(s) MUCH worse. I should have known, this whole time we have been going through infertility I have learned to not get my hopes up. That way, when good news does come, I am pleasantly surprised! But, alas, last month sucked. I had started cramping a few days before I was supposed to take a pregnancy test and I kept writing them off, hoping they were implantation cramps or other pregnancy cramps. I took three pregnancy tests that morning and another one later in the day to confirm: not pregnant.

I immediately started bleeding the next day and the cycle started over again. I called my doctor and they prescribed more Letrozole (an egg stimulant hormone) for days 3-7 of my cycle. I went in for blood work and an ultrasound on day 3 (the day before going back to work) and they saw a big follicle on the left ovary and three medium ones on the right. The (very sweet) doctor said the big one on the left might be too big for this round, possibly a cyst, but they would check my blood test results to check on my estrogen. I was seen again on day 8 (the Saturday after my first week back to work) to see how the Letrozole affected the follicles. The left one got bigger and the right ones stayed the same. In that ultrasound, they said the same thing: looks a little big, almost cystic, but we will check your estrogen and go from there.

Apparently the estrogen was fine because they started me on the Gonal-F injections (another follicle stimulant) for three days and another follow-up ultrasound and blood work (I had to be an hour late to work). They said the same things again: big follicle, looks cystic, will check estrogen.

Well, my estrogen LEAPED and they said, take your Estridol (trigger shot) tonight and we will see you in two days for another IUI procedure. I was shocked! I had very little confidence in this follicle after the doctors continued to comment on the cystic appearance of this possible egg-bearing follicle. In addition to my surprise, I felt a surge of stress. What time was this appointment? Should I call the doctor to confirm? I call them a lot already… I have to go to work for two sets of Virtual Open Houses. Will subsequent appointments continue to get in the way of teaching? Am I paying too much attention to teaching right now and not enough to my body? Am I doing the opposite?

I had almost no time to grieve and process the first loss. I know it was not a true loss and I will never compare our lack of conception this month to the true loss many mothers’ experience, but it hurt. I let myself get so excited and examine every tiny feeling and label it a symptom. It felt like when we first trying to get pregnant two and a half years ago, it made me feel naïve. I am starting to wonder if that is why I am not confident in this second round. Am I subconsciously putting guards up so that if it does happen, I will be pleasantly surprised? It’s also possible that work is so crazy, I am staying busy and distracted.

For those who are teachers or are friends with a teacher, you know how insane these past couple weeks have been. We are learning new technology as fast as we can, dealing with inconsistent information, getting way too many suggestions from “experts” via email and Zoom and “friends” on social media, all the while wondering, “If I can’t figure this out, how will my kids?” This blog post isn’t going to be about me offering my opinion on the status of public education right now, but I just wanted to set the scene a little bit.

My husband has had a crazy work month as well (he works for IT for public schools) and has been exhausted every day. I am SO blessed by him, he has still taken care of me and soothed me at the end of each and every day. He’s been diligent to pray for us and our future children and to listen to me vent when I walk in the door. I am so glad he is in this with me.

Even so, it has been really difficult recently to be in the infertile camp. I am sad more often than I would like and the hormones make me completely nuts. I go from sad for almost no reason to angry to crazy goofy in a matter of minutes. I examine every physical feeling and try to fit it into a pregnancy narrative. I am grateful that work is distracting and that friends are checking on me frequently. There is a lot to do to prepare and execute virtual learning, but it does somehow seem easier in comparison to working towards pregnancy.

In all of the crazy, I was stopped suddenly on the way out of the house to go to work by the sight of my lavender plant actually producing lavender!! I planted a small lavender sprout from a hardware store on the side of our porch and kept wondering if it was ever going to do anything. The plant itself took really well to its new home and grew, but I never saw any sign of anything other than more greenery. But then one morning I looked over at it to see a long sprout with a hint of purple at the tip. It was growing! It was finally producing fruit.

I am not one to read too far into anything, but I am hoping that if I can keep lavender alive long enough to start producing, maybe I can keep hope alive that we will one day be parents. Hope that I’ll be blessed to feel life grow inside me, that the Lord will knit together a life inside my womb and I would be one of the lucky ones to know what it is like.

Infertility Doesn’t Rest

In the midst of COVID, political unrest, injustice, racial tension, and the possibilities surround the return to school, I made it a point to not release any blog posts. I did not want stories about my life to clog up the feed of what is important and good. I still am looking to keep my blog posts brief and infrequent because the quest for justice and peace does not rest: God does not rest.

That being said, I do feel like I owe some of you an update. A lot has happened since my last post regarding our infertility journey and I wanted to make this as quick and to the point as possible.

One thing I know is that my sisters and brothers battling infertility have probably felt more alone during quarantine than ever. Having to stay inside without children we so desire to fill our homes is haunting… the silence is haunting. I am the queen of distracting myself from my own feelings and the access to distractions decreased dramatically (Netflix is not as distracting as you would think.) Even when I do find something to do or try out or read, my mind comes back around to childlessness.

What has seemed like an eternity of waiting has truly been about five months of not really having a plan other than hurry up and wait. But my friends, it seems there is a glimmer of hope on the horizon:

My endocrinologist released me from his care after managing my insulin resistance and bring my A1-C to a normal level. I will stay on metformin indefinitely.
The management of my A1-C in addition to a new journey of a gluten-free diet has helped me lost a little bit of weight and for my periods to become somewhat regular, helping regulate my PCOS.
My husband’s urologist is pleased with his increase in sperm count and motility and recommended IUI to our fertility specialist. He will remain on Clomid for the time being.
Our fertility specialist left the practice and we did not find out until scheduling another appointment.
Our new infertility doctor is very sweet and is moving us forward with IUI (inter-utero insemination).
I started my period on day 36 of my cycle (I said SOMEWHAT regular) this past week, launching our journey into IUI.

The next couple weeks will be a rollercoaster. I started taking Letrozole (a hormone to spark ovulation induction) yesterday and will take it until Tuesday night. Wednesday morning I go in for an ultrasound to check on my ovaries and uterine lining. If the eggs/follicles are large enough and there is an appropriate number of them ready, I will start FSH injections at home to induce ovulation, releasing the eggs from my ovaries. Then, Lord willing, I will undergo the IUI procedure, which involves insemination using a catheter bypassing my cervix and increasing chances of fertilization.

The IUI procedure and journey seems like a lot less invasive of a procedure than IVF and much cheaper, making it a very feasible option for us. I am still not clear on all of the details, as this is brand new for us. We are so very excited for these prospects and pray for a baby in the next year. We know that like all infertility patients, this may not go as planned and it seems almost foolish to have any sort of hope or optimism, but our hope is in Jesus Christ first. We know that God’s plan for us may look nothing like what we think it will look like, but we continue to pray for God to align our hearts and desires with His plan, not our own. So far, he has not taken away our desire for children, and I have hope he might be on to something.

Sunrise on the water, Nags Head, North Carolina

more waiting…

The longer we have to wait, the harder it gets. It’s also getting more difficult to process what I am feeling, hence the lack of frequent posts. I’m angry a lot, sad even more often. It’s been over two years since we’ve starting trying to get pregnant and thirteen months since we started seeking treatment.

I had my follow-up appointment with the endocrinologist and I am back to having a normal A1C, meaning I am not pre-diabetic anymore. Because my body reacted so well to the Metformin, I am being kept on it to hopefully keep some of the PCOS symptoms at bay. The better my body processes insulin, the more likely my body will make the other hormones at normal levels. The better my body does at making the correct amount of the correct hormones, the more likely it is that I will ovulate semi-regularly. I go back for a follow-up appointment and blood work in three months.

My husband finally has his urologist appointment last week. There is no obvious physical or hormonal reason for his low sperm count and motility. He is being put on Clomid (which is the hormone that turned me into a cranky, raging…lady) to hopefully increase his numbers. The good news is, men do not have the same side effects as women on Clomid. He will most likely have no negative side effects, unlike me, who got hot flashes, gained weight, and had intense mood swings. He will return for another analysis in three months and a follow-up appointment after that.

So, based on both of our appointments, the major prescription is patience. The side effects are irritability, roller-coaster emotions, doubt, depression, over-thinking, and the decrease in optimism (at least for me). To be transparent, I have not been doing well recently. I find myself on the brink of tears often, whether at school or home watching TV, more and more things remind me of our childlessness.

A friend recently asked me what stage of the grieving process I thought I was in. I told her that I only realized last week that I had to grieve and I’m still determining what that looks like and what exactly I am grieving. I’ve been going to counseling again recently and my counselor said about the same thing, that I need to allow myself to grieve and to be okay with doing it. I kept trying to power through the sadness and just be sad, waiting for it to be over, but it’s not going away. Something must be done.

I am still formulating my answer to what stage I am in, and I am still unsure what this process will look like, but knowing that there will be a process is giving me a little more hope and a reason to process. I know I can label it grief, and that has been helping.

It’s Been Awhile…

The past month or so has been very difficult for me, so of course I bottled up my feelings and stopped writing so I didn’t have to deal with it. Lately though, it’s been bubbling over and apparently I should probably deal with it.

I feel like I have been surrounded by good news with none to deliver for myself. Don’t get me wrong, I love Love and I love babies, so seeing other people announce with great pride and joy that they are pregnant, I rejoice with them. It hurts my heart, but due to my lack, not their gain. I never want anyone to think that their joy should be hidden from me or that it hurts me. I just happen to see all of the announcements and my lack of pregnancy is what stings. My heart has been heavy lately, and it seems to be getting worse.

I thought it would get easier once I had a rough month and then moved on, but it seems like I am falling deeper and deeper into a sadness and I feel more and more physically empty. I feel a space inside my abdomen that is void of life and where I long a life to be. I am a little bit sad all of the time. I am having a more difficult time pushing thoughts to the back of my mind, I am constantly thinking about wanting to be a mom. My students are constant reminders of children, even when they’re being doofuses. I long to have doofuses of my own to be confused by.

I am blessed immensely, despite my sadness. My marriage gets stronger and so does my faith and trust in the Lord, I know that others going through what I am going through cannot say the same. I can’t explain it, but it can only be God’s infinite grace and goodness that has kept my faith strong. I am grateful for my Savior and have not felt anger toward Him. I am grateful for my husband, for
his prayers and honesty, for his love and comfort. It’s been an excellent season for my faith and my marriage, despite everything else.

But the everything else is still overwhelming. We are coming up on the two year mark of when we starting “trying” to get pregnant. Two years of getting my hopes up just to be crushed. Two years of waiting every day for a period to start. Two years of off and on I could go back and count how many periods I have had naturally, but to spare all my insanity, I am going to guess about 7 times. I have probably had a NATURAL period about seven times in the past 24 months.

One of the positive things that has happened is that I had a period naturally this month! It was a little traumatic starting at school without a warning (I felt like a middle-school girl), and it lasted for 12 days, BUT it means that my body did something right. I may not have ovulated, but generally
a normal period means that I ovulated at some point, and that glimmer of hope brings me joy.

I went to the endocrinologist early January to look at elevated DHEA-S (a type of male hormone) and elevated A1C. I was labeled as pre-diabetic and put on metformin, a diabetes drug. I have to take my blood sugar every morning (so far I’ve been “in range” every morning). I’ll have a blood test in three weeks to check my A1C level and then a follow up appointment the week after that. I have been slightly overwhelmed with the diabetic information. The doctor prescribed a glucose monitor without telling me how to use it and when, I don’t know what a normal range is, and I can’t seem to find the right depth of needle to get the right amount of blood for the reader. It’s a lot for me to learn and I have a whole new level of respect for diabetics. I welcome any advice or help.

The elevated hormone levels are all due to the PCOS. I am hopeful that the metformin will regulate my insulin levels which supposedly will cause a reaction that will regulate the DHEA-S. The elevated male hormone is why I gain weight around my gut first. There’s a possibility that the metformin will cause a chain-reaction of me losing weight and ovulating regularly, increasing my chances of pregnancy. There is a wide world of literature on the relationship between metformin and PCOS, which is overwhelming, but promising.

My husband has an appointment to see the urologist at the end of February. It used to be scheduled for the end of January (an appointment we made a couple months previous), but we received a letter in the mail when we returned from our Christmas trip saying the doctor would be out of the office when our first appointment was scheduled for and that we had been rescheduled for nearly a month later. We were pretty upset by the news and the manner in which it was delivered, but we are on a cancellation list and calling to check in on the status.

The medical bills and phone calls with insurance have been a lot to deal with, but we have been blessed by family and friends, both financially and emotionally. Luckily, the people on the phone and online messaging have also been pleasant, making it a lot easier (especially for someone who gets an elevated heart rate ordering a pizza on the phone).

We are blessed, and I am still sad. The two feelings can coexist, and we pray that one day we have a child. It won’t be the cure for sadness, I know that, but it would be the cure for that particular sadness.

Thank you to anyone who reads these, especially those who are going through or have gone through the same thing we are. It is encouraging to be reminded that I am not alone.

A picture I took of my sister’s backyard one morning.

I Thought It Would Get Easier

When we started to realize that getting pregnant was going to be a lot more difficult than we initially thought, I thought that as time passed, it would get easier. But here we are, approaching two years since we started trying to get pregnant and I feel my heart being crushed more and more with each passing day; it’s getting harder.

At the beginning of November, we had our first appointment at the Jones Institute to discuss what our next steps would be. After a ridiculously expensive set of more blood tests for both of us, we were called and sent off to more specialists. My husband was told to make an appointment with a urologist and for me to make an appointment with an endocrinologist. After many phone calls and nagging for information, we finally both have appointments set, me at the beginning of January and him at the end. More waiting around. Every time we go to an appointment, it feels like we take one step forward and two steps back. My heart gets crushed, starts to heal again, being filled with hope, only to be crushed even harder.

I’ve had this phrase stuck in my head: I was knit together in my mother’s womb. The more I meditate on that and how glorious it is, I have found that I desire that. I want so badly for God to work within my physical body, to put a life together in my womb. I was created to bring life and I love that about me, I identify with my biological ability to procreate. When I was younger, I was told by so many in my life that one day I would make a great mother. Friends of my parents seeing how I was with my baby siblings would say how I was a mini-mom. People in a high-school bible study affirmed my abilities to care and my desire to be a mom. My friends in high school and college joked and called me mom all the time because of how I cared for others in their sickness and distress. If I was going to make such a great mom, why won’t my body work the way it is supposed to in order to make that happen?

Recently, my head and my heart have been arguing. I have a very logical side and a very emotional side that are never in balance, constantly at war with each other for ownership of my thoughts and actions. I know that I am promised nothing, deserving of nothing. Yet by God’s grace I am given much. I have a loving and godly husband, a house, a job, clothes, shoes, a big and loving family, and even a sweet dog who I can care for and baby. God does not promise children to us, but many are blessed with the precious gift of children. The emotional side of me keeps thinking that I probably will just have to wait longer, that’s my journey. God must be teaching me patience by making me wait and go to all of these different doctors. But what if that is not my journey? What if God will not give us children? What if that is completely God’s plan for my husband and I? That can’t be… it hurts too much.

The truth is, I may never have children. I pray for discernment, that my husband and I would know whether all of this waiting and doctor appointments are to build our trust in the Lord or if they are big stop signs from God saying, “Stop! This is not what I have for you.” It is not clear and it may never be.

I find myself looking out over my students in the classroom, me sitting behind the piano and directing, them staring back at me with their big, beautiful eyes. I look at them and I hold back tears. Some of them are parts of loving families that had no problem having children, others with terrible home lives and parents that don’t care. I want to care for a child, to take care of another life. I desire to have my life and sleep interrupted by tiny footsteps and demands for food. It’s getting harder to just wait.

The Text: An Update

We had our appointment.

I think it went really well, and I’m having difficulty processing everything that happened, but I feel good.

For my sanity and to let my brain rest, I am going to tell everyone who reads this by copying and pasting the text I sent my family and a few friends. I promise I care about these posts, but I also know some of you want to know so here it is!

We met with our new doctor and she is very kind and thorough! She is not wanting to jump to IVF yet, she said she wants to make sure she has tried everything else before going down that road. She was glad we had done so much already! She took a lot of blood from both Josh and I and is going to do hormone testing. The PCOS diagnosis stands, but she is calling it Irregular Menses for now while she gets more hormone testing done. Knowing that I was able to ovulate once with hormone therapy, she wants to try upping the dosage of Clomid and do injections. We are not going to do that yet until Josh’s hormone testing comes back. He is also being referred to a urologist to get an answer about whether his lack of good concentration and motility of sperm is due to a hormonal problem or a physical obstruction. At this point, we are kind of waiting until his appointment and the outcome of that. If the urologist says we are good to go with a little bit of hormone therapy for Josh, we will just focus on giving us both hormones. If there is something physical they can do for Josh (like if there’s a cyst or vein problem) they will handle that and see if it can help us and then just do hormones for me. If they can only do a little bit for Josh, we will try IUI (which is In-Utero Insemination, or as I casually and grossly call it, the turkey baster) after giving me hormones to start ovulation. If they can’t get me to ovulate, we will look at IVF. She answered almost all of my questions and worries about creating embryos and how I don’t want to discard any successful embryos and she said the process will probably allow for me to have 2-3 successful embryos after extracting 8-12 eggs. My AMH level is low for my age still which shows that I do not have a lot of eggs left, so she is very glad that we are addressing this now as opposed to a few years from now when I would have far less eggs. Overall, it was a good appointment, but now we will be waiting some more as we wait for an appointment to be scheduled for Josh at the urologist. Pray for a cancellation so they can get him in sooner! I am a little overwhelmed with all of the information, but I feel good about it!
My text to family

Again, I am excited about the possibilities! I also am happy to talk to anyone about this in person or over text. I love answering questions!

Thank you all for your concern and love. I will keep blogging as more things happen!