I have had a lot of thoughts on my mind recently. As the name of this blog suggests, I am going to verbally process (through typing). I know a lot of what I am about to say is dumb and many of you will have thoughts and things to say, but know that I am not seeking advice or pity. I just need to get this out:

I have struggled a lot with what is in line with God’s plan and our having children. I end up asking myself many questions, many of which conflict with each other:

• What if it’s God’s plan for us not to have kids?
• How will we know whether it is or not?
• Are we not trusting in God enough if we go to see the doctor?
• Aren’t doctors God’s will?
• At what point will we know if we’re just being stubborn?
• Is it wise to spend money on medical bills for something that may never happen?
• How do I know if I am not trusting the Lord?
• What the heck is wrong with me?

My husband has been very helpful in allowing me to ask these questions out loud so that they don’t seem so ridiculous and we can talk through and pray about them. But one thing lingers. The greatest internal struggle that I am harboring the most is this: What is the balance between trusting in the natural human body and God’s sovereignty versus utilizing modern medicine, which was created by God? How I wish there was a meter that could show me what my heart is truly placing trust in.

Soon, it will be time to go back to school. Assuming I do not get pregnant this month, the next steps involve a higher dose of ovulation hormones paired with direct injections of another hormone.

My. Poor. Students.

Knowing what the lower dosage of just one hormone did to my mood and emotions, I can only imagine what the next steps will be like. If you are a coworker of mine, I apologize in advance (although many of you that know me well enough know that I do not have any trouble saying “I’m sorry”). Know that I will continue to do my best at work and put my students first always, but also know that if you hear the kids saying things about me going crazy, there is at least a reason this time.