Well…

For those who have been following our infertility journey, we are so grateful for the constant support, prayers, love, and kind words. I started blogging about this a couple years ago and I did not think a lot of people would be looking for the next one to see what was going on. I needed to process my feelings about it and the best way I figured out was to write it out. There has been a lot to say and a lot of feelings. We have greatly loved and appreciated the following of our saga.

Some of you may know that we have been going through the process of IVF (In Vitro Fertilization). I did a couple weeks of stimulating hormones and monitoring appointments every two to three days to prepare for an egg retrieval. On October 23rd, we drove to Richmond for the procedure. We woke up at 5:00am and Josh drove us on a chilly morning. The care team and medical staff were incredible and kind, even on an early Saturday morning. The process was smooth and simple on our end. Josh had to wait outside of the building after I was hooked up to wait for me (thanks COVID). I woke up from the procedure as quick as I fell asleep and soon after the doctor came in to tell me that they retrieved six eggs.

For those who we know who are also going through infertility, we pray for you all the time and hope that by our sharing what has been going on, we have made it more transparent and easier to talk about even though we know it does not get easier to go through. I want those of you who are struggling to know that the following post and pictures may be a trigger for you so if you are not in a good spot, I encourage you to take a break from reading the rest of this. Also if needles/medication makes you uneasy, maybe do not look at the pictures.

As the days went by, I started Progesterone in oil shots and estrogen pills to prepare for an embryo transfer. The doctor called to let me know that out of the six eggs, five were mature. Out of those five, one did not fertilize, two definitely fertilized, and two were still up in the air. I waited a couple more days (until the day before the transfer) to get a phone call where I was told one of the “up in the air” eggs did fertilize. The morning of the transfer, October 28th, I spent some time packing for my sister’s wedding (which was wonderful) and used the distraction to burn time before getting a phone call that I had a blastocyst ready to transfer.

Josh came home early from work and was able to drive me to and from Richmond for the transfer. It was a quick and relatively painless procedure. As I was being prepped, we were given a picture of our blastocyst and Josh was able to look at it through the microscope, our teeny tiny little “embaby.” I think I scared the doctor responsible for the eggs and embryo because I distinctly remembered his name from the retrieval since it is my dad’s name. It was also the last thing I remembered before going under anesthesia. As he left the room, I think I yelled, “THANK YOU DANIEL” a little too loud.

One of the little traditions that women going through infertility do is that after their transfer, they eat McDonald’s fries as a salty snack and for good “sticky vibes.” I thought it was cute. We got to Richmond a little early, so I had my fries before the transfer, but we are going to count it.

Two days after the transfer, I got another phone call that they were able to freeze one other embryo. The other fertilized egg did not make it. So, we started with seven follicles, got six eggs, three were fertilized, two became blastocysts. One of the two was placed into my uterus and the other was frozen. The frozen embryo will be used if this one did not make it or to have another child in the future.

Monday morning, I went in for blood work. They were going to tell me if I am pregnant or not. I drove to Norfolk, saw an old friend, and ran some errands to keep my mind busy. I got the phone call while I was in the grocery store. I am pleased and amazed and blessed to announce that we are pregnant! I will go in for blood work on Wednesday to make sure my HCG levels (the “pregnancy hormone”) double. After that they will schedule my first ultrasound in a couple weeks!

In a normal pregnancy, we would not have announced so soon. After my husband and I discussed it, we thought it would be best to keep everyone in the loop since we have been sharing every step of the way so far. We want everyone to know that there are still some risks, but as of right now, we are celebrating this amazing victory.

I cannot believe that after three years and nine months of trying to get pregnant, several ovulation induction attempts, five failed IUIs, a Hysterosalpingography, a hysteroscopy, and one IVF attempt, we are actually pregnant. I am going to continue to keep blogging about our journey and keep our friends and family in the loop. Like I said, it is still early, but we want to make sure those who have been so closely involved in this with us get all the updates.

I still consider myself infertile. Without IVF, we probably would not be pregnant right now. I will continue to blog about the struggles of infertility, the process and the pregnancy, the mental and emotional toll it has taken on us, and how it will affect us in the future. Infertility has changed me, there is no doubting that.

Thank you again for all of those who have prayed for us, sent us cards and messages, and for our family who has helped us tremendously with finances, and most of all to God for providing for us and holding us close through this process. As weird as it is to say, we would not be pregnant without you all! May God be glorified in all that we do and throughout this whole pregnancy and beyond as we have tried to glorify Him in the process leading up.

We Hit the Ground Running

This past Saturday, I had an egg retrieval for IVF!

Even though we hit a lot of obstacles getting to this point, it finally happened, and I am recovering well and quickly. I had to do injections for 14 days to prepare for the retrieval which included a trigger shot that I had to have my husband do for me. The trigger shot was a much larger needle than the rest of the injections (so far) and it had to be injected on my backside since it was an intramuscular injection.

I have had a LOT of appointments up until this point though and it is more than exhausting planning for things at school and making sub plans last minute (as I have already expressed my stress levels about). This past week, when things were still up in the air, I had to deal with a pretty stressful situation in which my brother saved my butt. I had an appointment on Wednesday morning where I was told I would most likely take my trigger shot that night and then have the egg retrieval on Friday. I had already taken time off for Friday earlier that week and had sub plans ready to go.

Then I got a phone call Wednesday afternoon around noon… I needed to take the stimulation medicine for one or two more days and that my retrieval was going to be pushed back to Saturday or Sunday, also I would have to go back in Thursday morning. I could deal with that and figure out the sub plans and time off, but I had a bigger problem: I was out of stimulation injections. The doctor offered to have someone on their team find some samples that I could come back to get. Then it got more interesting: I had to pick it up in their Richmond office (there were not any samples in Norfolk) and I had to pick it up before their office closed at 3:15. Also, I had to take these injections by 6:00pm. (Remember that I live in Newport News and work in Windsor).

I panicked a little bit and called my husband to try and figure this out. I had just gotten to work a little over an hour ago and if I was going to make it to Richmond in time, I would have to leave right now and find coverage for my classes. My husband was not able to leave work. I thought about how one of my brothers lived in Richmond and wondered if I could send him to pick up the medicines for me. I called my brother and, luckily for me, his classes had been canceled for the day. That meant he was free to do me a HUGE favor. I called the doctor’s office back, and finally got to a point where I could send my brother to pick up the medicine for me.

That morning I drove from Newport News to Norfolk, from Norfolk to Windsor, left work in Windsor immediately after the students left to drive to Richmond, and then drove back home to Newport News to take my medicines before my husband and I went to small group at church that night. I was TIRED that night.

After my appointment the next morning, I got the word that my follicles were finally big enough and my hormone levels were finally high enough. I took the trigger shot at 8:00pm on Thursday night to prepare for the egg retrieval at 8:00am on Saturday (it has to be precisely timed). My husband did the trigger shot for me Thursday night and then drove me to my appointment in Richmond early Saturday morning that we left for at 5:30am.

My husband cared for, and has continued to care for, me in the best ways. He made sure I was comfy, took a nap, ate foods I could handle, he has cooked and cleaned and taken care of everything as I have recovered.

Going into the retrieval, my doctor said that I had 6-7 follicles that would be possible eggs. Once I woke up from the procedure, the doctor told me that they got 6 eggs. This morning I got the phone call to let me know of the fertilization results of the 6 eggs:

5 of the eggs were mature, 1 was not mature enough to do anything with
1 of the eggs did not fertilize
2 of the eggs definitely fertilized
2 of the eggs could go either way

As of now, we are taking this as good news. I will get a phone call on Tuesday to let me know what time my possible appointment will be for an embryo transfer in Richmond on Thursday. Thursday morning they will give me a call to let me know if one of the embryos is developed enough for me to have a transfer that day or if they need to wait an extra day. The rest of the embryos (if we have any) will be frozen for us to try and have more kids later on.

I have been telling others that we are practicing cautious optimism. Of course we wish all of the eggs had fertilized, we also wish that we had a kid or two by now. The fertilized eggs still may not get to what is called blastocyst stage, so we are still praying for healthy development of the eggs that fertilized.

A quick shot of campus at my alma mater, CNU!

Good News, Finally!

Guess what?? We are doing IVF!

It’s moved along quickly, but we are in the middle of an IVF cycle. I have (another) monitoring appointment tomorrow morning to check on the follicles that have been growing. I started injections of Gonal-F and Menopur last week and have been taking them every evening. They are meant to help stimulate the ovaries and grow the follicles at the same rate. Yesterday morning, I started a third injection called Cetrotide that is supposed to keep me from accidentally ovulating (which feels a little ironic).

After my last post, I was discouraged and feeling anxious about this whole process. My doctor put me back on the estrogen patch thinking that now that the cyst was subsiding, we would try to keep everything quiet to start the process a few weeks later. But then, a couple days later, I started bleeding. I was initially angry and terrified that this meant we would have to start all over. I called my doctor and left a message. By the grace of God, he called me with good news and said that I would have an appointment the next day and that we would start the process if everything looked good.

We moved along quickly. There were a lot of emotional ups and downs as I was scared we would be set back, excited we would start, shocked that we had to pay everything up front, grateful we have financial and emotional support from family, excited to get to start, worried about doing the injections correctly, anxious about the decisions we would have to make coming up soon… it just kept going!

At the end of the day though, I am grateful that we have this opportunity. I am excited for this time in our life, I am grateful for science and technology and God guiding all of our doctors and nurses. I am learning to be ok with being a less than mediocre teacher and with writing sub plans the best I can when I can. My students seem to be doing well even with me being out a lot. I am still building relationships with them and they have enough of my expectations and procedures down that I am pleased with how they are doing.

As of now, I am on track to have an egg retrieval sometime this week. The earliest would be Wednesday, but it would most likely be Thursday or Friday. My biggest concern is that we are creeping into my sisters wedding shenanigans. The timing has been less than ideal (the whole time, really) but I am trusting that this will all work out the way it is supposed to. Let’s just pray I do not have an embryo transfer the day before of the day of the wedding…

Overwhelmed

I’ve been complaining a lot lately. I am kind of sorry for it, but I have been overwhelmed (just like everyone else is right now). My complaining has not been productive which in turn makes me angry at myself. I want to have a reason for doing the things. That being said, I am grateful for the outlet to complain because it makes things more tangible and real.

So far in our infertility journey, nothing substantial has happened because we are just waiting for me to ovulate. The problem is that I currently have a cyst that is keeping me from ovulating and is not doing much itself. I thought it was bursting this past weekend, but my appointment today said otherwise. We cannot move forward until the cyst goes away and then I have to ovulate. Once I ovulate, we can hopefully, actually, and eventually go through the IVF process. The biggest struggle I am having logistically is balancing work and these appointments prepping for IVF. I keep having to go in for monitoring appointments to tell me what I already know, that I have not ovulated yet. I have been taking my ovulation tests every day and they have not even been close to a positive result. I am currently on day FIFTY of my “cycle” with no end in sight.

When I have an appointment, they have to be before 9:30 in the morning so that they can get the blood tested in time to give me results before the end of the day. This is standard procedure for IVF patients. The issue that I am having is that I live in Newport News, the office is in Norfolk, and I work in Windsor. It takes me almost an hour to get to my appointment thanks to the HRBT and then an hour to get to work. I end up having to take a half day off of work so that I can get a substitute teacher and they would need to be there for half a day to earn their pay. So I end up missing four hours of work for what is usually a ten to fifteen minute appointment that I am having at least once a week. I am struggling to write meaningful lesson plans that a substitute can do well and easily enough. Honestly, I am also running out of good ideas.

Missing my classes has brought me a lot of stress as I fight to try and bring back some normalcy to my classroom after all that has happened over the past couple years. I want to be a solid teacher with good routines and procedures so that my students can thrive, but if I am not there often enough to reinforce it, I end up getting frustrated at the lack of order (which is not necessarily bad, but it makes room for more creativity in the long run.) I feel like I am doing a disservice to my kids and I can not explain to them why this is happening and why I am gone so much.

I am so sick and tired of waiting. I try to be graceful about waiting and hide my lack of patience with breathing and praying, but I am at the brink of emotional exhaustion; I feel myself about the explode. At some point the tears will fall and I am not sure if I will be able to stop them. I am frustrated with the situation and even more frustrated with my body.

We continue to trust the Lord and His timing in all of this. My husband and I cling to Christ first and then to each other. Pray for my sanity, pray for my kids, and pray for my ding dang ovaries to get with the program.

A Confession and An Update

If you have not noticed, these posts are being fewer and further in between. Part of that is because less is happening less often. There have been really long periods of waiting for the next thing and the next doctor’s appointment. The other part is that I have emotionally been bottling a lot up. I have not wanted to talk about how I am feeling or admit my darkest thoughts and feelings.

For those of you who do not know, we are starting the daunting journey into IVF (In-Virto Fertilization). I am in a state of whirling back and forth between being incredibly excited and absolutely terrified. I was on Provera for ten days and then it took twelve days for a period (or withdrawl bleed) to start. It should have happened between two and ten days after stopping the medication.

After I finally started, I had a saline sonogram to check for fibroids and poylps or other irregularities as well as a trial/mock transfer to prepare for the real thing. It was NOT PLEASANT. I cramped so much that I was exhausted the rest of the day. They found that my uterus looks great, but I was still bleeding even though it was day eight of my cycle, making the pictures hazy. Because it was hazy, they had to inject more saline a few more times than they were anticipating, which was the cause of the extra cramping. When they were finished with the sonogram, they did an ultrasound to check my ovaries. They saw a large cyst on my left ovary at which all three doctors in the room said in chorus, “OOOHHHHH!!!” Apparently the collapsing cyst was the cause of my period lasting so long, why it took me so long to start bleeding, and why there was still so much blood. It will probably also affect whether or not I ovulate on time.

I am currently taking ovulation tests to try and determine when I ovulate. If I don’t have an LH surge (essentially meaning I ovulated) by this Monday, I will have to get bloodwork done to determine where I am in my cycle. Depending on how that turns out will determine when I start using estrogen patches that I will replace every few days.

Once the cycle after this coming one starts (hopefully on a typical timeline) I will start the injection and medication regimen for IVF. We have already ordered and received the IVF medications. YALL. There are SO MANY MEDICATIONS. I had heard about all of the medications and the insanity that comes with it. When the box appeared on my front porch, I could not believe the Mary Poppins-esque box as I continued to pull out medication after medication.

Unfortunately, timing is not on my side. When I start injections and medications to prepare for the egg retrieval and the embryo transfer, I will have to go in every two to three days for ultrasounds and blood work to determine dosing. These will all end up happening during the first month of school, which is not exactly convenient. After having such a ridiculous year and a half at school from “you know what,” I do not want to put my students through more inconsistency. I know this is a price to pay and that finally getting pregnant is important, but please pray for my babies and for me to help them have a sense of solidarity.

Before we could even start this process, my husband and I had to watch several video modules to prepare for this process. We watched over an hours worth of material before we could sign consents and documents. I then had to watch several videos on how to mix, extract, and take the injectable medicines. Talk about overwhelming. As I watched them, all I could think about are all the women that have had to go through this already and many times. I am in awe of their strength (as well as their organization!)

In the past few months, I have had the realization that I need to confess something to myself and maybe to those around me. I am starting to become really jealous of those with babies and those who are pregnant. It did not used to bother me before; I love babies and I love being around babies!! Recently, however, I have found myself looking around me, longing to be in other’s position, thinking about how things would be if I was “normal” and had children already. I want to say again though, I am not upset to be around your babies. I am not upset to see your baby pictures. They bring me so much joy and I am sincerely grateful to have a glimpse into your life and into the life of your sweet babies. I just want to be you, to be in your position, now more than ever.

If you are reading this and you are one of my dear friends who is pregnant or has a baby, please know that I love you and your baby dearly. I do not feel anything negative toward you. I want to hang out with you and I want to hold your baby and I want to help you (if you want it!) with your baby and talk with you about how motherhood has been wonderful or awful. I want you to be honest with me and share your life with me. My jealousy is my problem that I am working through, but it does not and should not affect my relationship with you and your sweet children.

I am grateful for where we are and I am grateful that this process is on its way. We love you all and appreciate the prayers and well wishes! If things go well, we could have the opportunity to be pregnant by the beginning of October!

Goodbye Polly

The past year or so has been really difficult in the infertility journey. I keep trying to find a “strength” to go through this and I come up short. I know my strength is in the Lord and that I can go through this because He holds me. That does not mean that I am not going through a difficult time. It also does not mean that the Lord is not right there with me. That being said, this year has been pretty awful.

Emotionally and mentally, I have been in a constant cycle of grief. Which stage I am in has fluctuated, but in the most recent months, I think I am in the depression stage. Everything makes me sad, but I am also numb. This numbness has made me question many things, including God’s plan for us in the realm of parenthood. I prayed and prayed for God to take the desire for children from my heart if it was not meant to be. I prayed, and nothing changed. Nothing, that is, until I started to feel nothing. After awhile, I wondered if this was God’s answer. Did he take the desire from my heart like I asked for? Did I really think He would? That is not up to me, but I suppose I truly did not want that desire to leave. Was this numbness the removal? I thought I was REALLY messed up and I thought this was the end. What was I going to tell my husband? Did I really think the desire was gone? How in the world is this going to play out?

Time went on and the numbness settled in. The sadness just turned to a stagnant state of “I’m sad, but I’m not SAD.” Finally I bugged my friend and counselor until we could make an appointment. After some counseling, I finally changed my mindset. The numbness is part of the depression stage. We started to pray for contentment along with our prayers for children. I still feel really weird most days and I can not tell if I am actually sad or just feigning sadness, but the awareness of the grief has been helpful. I continue to wrestle with my emotions (or lack thereof), but I am more sure that I still desire children than I was before. I now think that God would not have put the desire for children in my heart if He was going to take it away.

Before I give an update, I do want to say that plenty of wonderful things have happened this year, despite, you know, *gestures vaguely to everything.* We have been blessed in many ways. Both of us kept our jobs, we’ve learned to be flexible in our jobs, our marriage continues to grow, our dog probably learned a new trick or two, we’re knocking out some debt, our families are doing well and are healthy… we have a lot to be thankful for.

On March 10th, I had a procedure done called a hysteroscopy. At our appointment on January 4th, our fertility specialist determined this was a good next step since our four IUIs were unsuccessful. On paper, we should have gotten pregnant at least one of those times. All the numbers were good. So we agreed that the hysteroscopy was the next step. They believed there may be something in my uterus blocking the possible embryos from attaching. After waiting a stupid amount of time, being forgotten about, the office’s financial head leaving, calling everyone in the buildings and the insurance company, we finally got the hysteroscopy, pre-op appointment, and follow-up appointment scheduled. The time between January 4th and March 10th felt like years. Now that the procedure is done, we wait for the follow-up appointment on March 24th to determine the next steps yet again. It’s now been over 3 years since we first started trying to get pregnant.

The hysteroscopy went really well. Every nurse, anesthesiologist, and doctor attending to and helping me were so kind and overall phenomenal. I want to be everyone’s friend there. I was put under general anesthesia, so I did not feel anything and I was out for what felt like seconds. When I did come to, I was told that they found and removed a rather large polyp at the opening of my uterus, just past the cervix. They also removed two small red spots just in case. A week later, I received results that they were all benign, as was expected. When they showed me the picture of the polyp, I asked if this was a contributing factor in the IUIs not working. The doctor said that the polyp would make it very difficult for sperm to get through.

I have had a range of feelings in the past week (I guess the numbness is wearing off… sort of feeling a tingling.) I have felt relief and joy that they actually found something, a reason maybe, and that it is gone. I have felt annoyance and anger that we did not find it before. I have felt remorse that I did not research and inquire earlier. I have felt bitterness towards all the doctors I have seen regarding infertility for not doing this before we spent money, time, and emotions on the FOUR IUIs. I have felt incredible gratitude to my husband, family, and friends for the care and prayers. Right now, I believe I am still relieved that it is gone and I am anxious for my next appointment.

I would be doing a disservice to my husband if I did not mention how saintly he has been during this process. He took off the entire day of work the day of my hysteroscopy. He had to wake up crazy early to drive me to Norfolk, wait by himself in the waiting room with a book (which I’m sure he truly enjoyed) for over two hours, and take me home after. He cared for me so well, making sure I safely got in bed, making sure I ate something, got me gatorade AND ginger ale because I could not decide which one I wanted. He kept an eye on me all day, cooked, cleaned, went grocery shopping, and many things I am sure I did not see or know that he did. He did me the biggest favor of all by keeping family and friends updated so that I did not forget to in my weird post-anesthesia state. He has been my champion through it all and I would not trade him for anyone or anything. Seriously, someone get this man a trophy. Or donuts.

I was also blessed by the thoughtfulness and care of others, by my in-laws for bringing us dinner, for my friends who brought me the BEST cookies and sent me flowers, for my family who sent me cards. These are the things that I will one day tell our children, that before they were even conceived, they were loved through these actions.

One of my sisters named my polyp “Polly,” and we are so glad to see her go.

Greens and Whites

Next week, we will hit the three-year mark of trying to get pregnant. In March, we will celebrate our fourth wedding anniversary. When we were first engaged and being all gross and adorable and planning our future together, I can confidently say that neither of us saw us childless at this point in our marriage. We both knew we wanted children as soon as possible and we waited almost a year after getting married before trying to conceive. (I know a lot of you are thinking that we should have “enjoyed each other” for longer, but everyone has their own timelines and goals for their relationships. Plus if we waited longer to even start trying, we would have hit this massive speed bump and it still would have been longer.)

As we near next week, I wanted to have something to remind us that this journey is not hopeless, even if it ends in childlessness. After connecting with another young woman on Instagram (that has also struggled with infertility and child loss) who makes lovely rainbows for couples with infertility who are waiting on their rainbow baby, I wanted to support her craft and have a rainbow of my own. She sent me a beautiful rainbow made of greens and off-white, the color scheme of our wedding (and honestly our whole house). I have hung it up in our guest bedroom that we will hopefully transform into a nursery some day as a symbol of hope and a reminder that God has brought my husband and I closer together through this journey, which cannot be said for many couples who have endured this struggle. I purposefully do not want to change the guest bedroom until we are pregnant, so if you happen to visit, maybe you’ll have the chance to pray for us when you see our lovely rainbow.

We’re in yet another (hopefully) short season of waiting. We recently met with our fertility doctor, who said based on the numbers we should have gotten pregnant with one of our four IUI attempts. On paper, it doesn’t make sense. My follicles were the right size at the right time, my hormones were at the correct levels or within range at the right times, my husband’s sample had excellent numbers (in both motility and number of sperm), and I took my trigger shots at the right time. Each time we were hopeful and each time it failed, each attempt more disappointing than the last.

Our next move is I am going to have a hysteroscopy. Since everything looks good on paper, something may be preventing an embryo from implanting in my uterus like fibroids or polyps. Once the hysteroscopy is scheduled and occurs, they will remove any abnormalities they find.

Even though we are on a roll with treatments and attempts to get pregnant, it all feels so empty. There is not a lot of excitement or anticipation with wanting to go to appointments anymore. There is only dread during the 2WW (2 week wait). I desprately want to get pregnant and I desparately want to have kids, but I am so tired of trying. I just want it to be over. I want the children without the work it takes to get there.

Part of this exhausting comes from having to filter a lot of encouragement and words from friends and family who are just trying to help. I have never held anything that anyone has said against them when they say things that are hurtful because I know their intentions are good and that their heart is in the right place. Those words still hurt occasionally. I believe that when words of support and encouragement are being offered, they are being filtered through the mind of someone that hurts for me and wants to be helpful. It is just that sometimes that filter is not a helpful filter.

A good friend of mine and I got breakfast recently and as she asked about how things were going with our infertility journey, she sat across that table and just listened. She asked some clarifying questions along the way but at the end she gave me the greatest comfort by just saying, “that sucks,” and it meant the world to me. Couples who are going through infertility (no matter how long) know how much this sucks. For the rest of the world that has not experienced it, you cannot fully understand this particular grief. You can empathize and hold us close, we just want to be seen and for you to understand that it JUST SUCKS. Your words are sweet, but rarely soothing, so if you have a friend going through infertility, I encourage you to ask them what they need and be prepared if they just need you to sit with them in the suckage for a little bit. It’s probably not healthy to stay down there, but a few minutes won’t hurt.

Pit of Despair

On January 1, 2020, I believed that this would be our year to become parents. I thought for sure that we would have a little one in our arms, sitting by the Christmas tree, showing them all of the sparklies. I thought we would have the honor of reading through the family catechisms and introducing our little human to the joy of Christmas and the honor that we have to be able to celebrate this season. It’s now December of 2020, and there is not a little one in my womb, much less in our arms.

We’ve tried IUI three times so far and I am on treatment now for the fourth round. There’s no way I will (knowingly) be pregnant in 2020. The earliest I would test for pregnancy in the current timeline would be January 1, 2021. My heart is broken, and I am tired of childlessness. I am tired of trying to be strong and be a source of hope for others. I still WANT to be, but I am weary and broken.

When our county decided to bring students back into the building for school, I knew something had to give. We have students split into groups that come to school in an alternating fashion after already being split by exploratory class, so in short, that means I only see my students once a week. The groups I see on Monday I do not see again until the next Monday.

When the last round of IUI did not work, which was by far the most disappointing, I knew that I would not be able to do the next round on the normal timeline due to the crazy work schedule. My appointments for checkups, blood work, and ultrasounds would have fallen on those weeks when I saw my students for the first time. I was not comfortable leaving them with a substitute after having zero expectations set for them for in-person learning. I knew them already from online learning, but the procedures and classroom management are different in the building. I could not bring myself to leave them without any frame of reference and to leave the sub with little-to-no structure.

Finally, now in December, I feel like I could leave my students and it not be a burden on a substitute (who would actually an Instructional Assistant in our building because we cannot bring in actual substitutes for health reasons) or on my students. It was a rough few days communicating with my doctor and the pharmacy and them working with insurance to get me a medicine to induce a period since I was not starting on my own. I took an ovulation test every day and none of them were positive, so I knew that I was not going to have a period any time soon. I tested for pregnancy (protocol) and called the doctor. Finally, I finished a round of 10 days of Provera, which is usually used to manage menopause symptoms.

It took a couple days after stopping the Provera, but I finally started my period and can get back on the IUI treatment cycle. I’ll go in on day 3 and day 8 at the very least and then called in again around day 13 or 14. As of right now, my timeline has me doing the IUI procedure the week before Christmas and testing for pregnancy on New Years Day. What a holiday season!

It has been a difficult few months. It seems like it is getting more and more difficult the longer time goes on. Being childless feels like a never ending curse, there is no light at the end of the tunnel. At the end of the day, I am either a mom or I am not. I am not. I pray daily for a child, for God to show us if we are supposed to keep pursuing IUI treatment or move to IVF or pursue adoption or to stop altogether. It does not seem like there is an answer coming. I often feel hopeless (although not completely, I know my hope is in the Lord, and that does bring me solace often). This despair is growing deeper and I find it more difficult to put on a happy face all the time for work and friends and church. I pray every morning for the strength to forget for a little bit so I can be an effective teacher and a meaningful friend and wife. It is exhausting.

I found myself recently not doing anything that I liked. I was just sitting in the dark. With school being so crazy and exhausting, I did not have the energy to go home and do something productive. My sweet husband has done so much for me while I wallow. He cooks and cleans and does the laundry for us, even when I have not done anything. If anyone is reading this that lives near by, send that man a gift.

I have started to force myself to do some things that bring me joy, even if I don’t feel like it, because I feel like I have done something. My husband has encouraged me in it too (without being too pushy). It’s at least a step up out of the pit. I started to force myself to do the dishes again. I was cooking again. I baked for fun and painted again. Even when I truly do not feel like it, it has been a step. I’ve also been faithful to journal and pray and read my Bible every day, even when I don’t want to. I find myself telling God, “Hey. I’m here. I don’t want to talk to you right now, but I will.” After awhile, my bitterness and icy heart breaks and I find myself coming to Him a lot more humbled.

Recently our church had a sermon on the prophecy and birth of John the Baptist, specifically Luke 1:1-25. What a beautiful story of the end of an age of waiting! Four hundred years of waiting for God to speak, and He brought pregnancy to a couple that were way beyond their child bearing years. Zechariah and Elizabeth were blessed by God with a child, and a very special child. One thing that my husband pointed out that brought a lot of comfort to the both of us was specifically that in verse 6, Zechariah and Elizabeth were called righteous and blameless. They were called these things despite the cultural label of being seen as shameful because they did not have children. The world at that time saw childlessness as a curse or punishment from God for something that they may have done. But then the Word of God counters this, calling them righteous and blameless. Their childlessness was NOT a curse. It was NOT a punishment. In fact, their childlessness brought glory and honor to the Lord, and they were blessed.

I am not saying that I am Elizabeth and that my husband is Zechariah. This story did, however, bring me great comfort. It is so easy for me to fall into this dark pit where I question everything and I wonder if I am being punished or if I did something terribly wrong to earn this. The story of John the Baptist’s birth being foretold is a story I will hold on to tightly, trying my best to continue to honor the Lord through this journey, even when I’m still climbing out of the pit.

Norfolk, the day my sister got ENGAGED!!!! 🙂

Harder the Second Time

We had our second round of IUI this past month and it did not end up in a pregnancy. I was sure to not get my hopes up as much this time, but for some reason, it hurts WAY more. I jumped right back in to taking hormones for the next round, jumping on the emotional rollercoaster that is hormonal therapy. There was not a lot of time to think and feel last time, it’s almost like it built up between the first time and this last time that all of the emotions I am feeling are pouring out.

One of the things I hear a lot (and don’t know how to respond to) is, “You are just so strong” and “I can’t imagine what you are going through” and “I don’t know how you do it.” I hear it a lot personally and I hear it being said to others going through the infertility as well. I see it on the social media posts and the blog comments. I hear it in my own life and I get the “look of pity” frequently. If you are the ones saying and doing those things, you are not in trouble. You are not a bad person and you are showing care, interest, and support, so we thank you. Just know, sometimes the response is going to be what I am about to say:

The short response is that I am not strong and I don’t know how I am doing it. I have felt more hopeless in the past two months than ever before and I feel like I am barely keeping it together. Now that it’s fall and the temperature is cooling down, social media is blooming with posts about apple picking and pumpkin patches, flannel and fancy fall drinks. Almost all of them I see are posts from friends that have small children that are LOVING the adventures and the outdoors. It’s everything I long for and it is too much to bear to see them and to feel jealousy. I immediately feel guilt for being jealous or envious. There is a lot of focus on the family right now between it being fall, the pandemic, and online school. Pastors, bloggers, social media posters, influencers, and parents are offering different types of advice for holding the family together during these pandemic times and they are filled with (mostly) lovely advice. How I long to have those problems, working hard to bring my children and family closer together.

My dear reader, if you do not know Jesus, these next words may not make sense, but I hope they make you think. The only way that I am getting through this is by the divine strength of Jesus. Every time I don’t feel like standing back up or getting out of bed or even opening my eyes from the previous blink, the Lord is my strength and he is carrying me through. It is NOT my strength, because currently I am the weakest I have ever been. The world says that if I want it bad enough and work hard enough (or in some cases, relax enough), I am going to get what I want. The Word says that I need to rely and lean into the strength that does not come from me. If it did, I would be in deep trouble. I am so glad for my husband and his constant support. He is an excellent partner and friend. His strength, however, to hold me and comfort me comes from the Lord as well.

This is not a pity post and I hope it doesn’t come across that way. This is a post of honestly and vulnerability, that infertility is not always about being strong and sometimes it is about being broken down to a point of being reminded that I cannot do this alone and that others can only help me so far. If I didn’t have hope in something greater, I would not carry on.

But I do, and I will.

IUI, Holding on to Hope, & Virtual Teaching

What. A. Month.

Thursday morning I brought a sample from my husband to the doctor’s office, went to a nearby coffee shop, wore a mask while getting some work done, went back for our second IUI procedure, and then drove to work for two sessions of virtual open houses for the coming school year. It had probably been the most relaxing day I have had in a few weeks.

Last month, we tried IUI for the first time. (Being that we are trying again, it obviously did not work.) I had a lot of hope though that it would and it made the negative pregnancy test(s) MUCH worse. I should have known, this whole time we have been going through infertility I have learned to not get my hopes up. That way, when good news does come, I am pleasantly surprised! But, alas, last month sucked. I had started cramping a few days before I was supposed to take a pregnancy test and I kept writing them off, hoping they were implantation cramps or other pregnancy cramps. I took three pregnancy tests that morning and another one later in the day to confirm: not pregnant.

I immediately started bleeding the next day and the cycle started over again. I called my doctor and they prescribed more Letrozole (an egg stimulant hormone) for days 3-7 of my cycle. I went in for blood work and an ultrasound on day 3 (the day before going back to work) and they saw a big follicle on the left ovary and three medium ones on the right. The (very sweet) doctor said the big one on the left might be too big for this round, possibly a cyst, but they would check my blood test results to check on my estrogen. I was seen again on day 8 (the Saturday after my first week back to work) to see how the Letrozole affected the follicles. The left one got bigger and the right ones stayed the same. In that ultrasound, they said the same thing: looks a little big, almost cystic, but we will check your estrogen and go from there.

Apparently the estrogen was fine because they started me on the Gonal-F injections (another follicle stimulant) for three days and another follow-up ultrasound and blood work (I had to be an hour late to work). They said the same things again: big follicle, looks cystic, will check estrogen.

Well, my estrogen LEAPED and they said, take your Estridol (trigger shot) tonight and we will see you in two days for another IUI procedure. I was shocked! I had very little confidence in this follicle after the doctors continued to comment on the cystic appearance of this possible egg-bearing follicle. In addition to my surprise, I felt a surge of stress. What time was this appointment? Should I call the doctor to confirm? I call them a lot already… I have to go to work for two sets of Virtual Open Houses. Will subsequent appointments continue to get in the way of teaching? Am I paying too much attention to teaching right now and not enough to my body? Am I doing the opposite?

I had almost no time to grieve and process the first loss. I know it was not a true loss and I will never compare our lack of conception this month to the true loss many mothers’ experience, but it hurt. I let myself get so excited and examine every tiny feeling and label it a symptom. It felt like when we first trying to get pregnant two and a half years ago, it made me feel naïve. I am starting to wonder if that is why I am not confident in this second round. Am I subconsciously putting guards up so that if it does happen, I will be pleasantly surprised? It’s also possible that work is so crazy, I am staying busy and distracted.

For those who are teachers or are friends with a teacher, you know how insane these past couple weeks have been. We are learning new technology as fast as we can, dealing with inconsistent information, getting way too many suggestions from “experts” via email and Zoom and “friends” on social media, all the while wondering, “If I can’t figure this out, how will my kids?” This blog post isn’t going to be about me offering my opinion on the status of public education right now, but I just wanted to set the scene a little bit.

My husband has had a crazy work month as well (he works for IT for public schools) and has been exhausted every day. I am SO blessed by him, he has still taken care of me and soothed me at the end of each and every day. He’s been diligent to pray for us and our future children and to listen to me vent when I walk in the door. I am so glad he is in this with me.

Even so, it has been really difficult recently to be in the infertile camp. I am sad more often than I would like and the hormones make me completely nuts. I go from sad for almost no reason to angry to crazy goofy in a matter of minutes. I examine every physical feeling and try to fit it into a pregnancy narrative. I am grateful that work is distracting and that friends are checking on me frequently. There is a lot to do to prepare and execute virtual learning, but it does somehow seem easier in comparison to working towards pregnancy.

In all of the crazy, I was stopped suddenly on the way out of the house to go to work by the sight of my lavender plant actually producing lavender!! I planted a small lavender sprout from a hardware store on the side of our porch and kept wondering if it was ever going to do anything. The plant itself took really well to its new home and grew, but I never saw any sign of anything other than more greenery. But then one morning I looked over at it to see a long sprout with a hint of purple at the tip. It was growing! It was finally producing fruit.

I am not one to read too far into anything, but I am hoping that if I can keep lavender alive long enough to start producing, maybe I can keep hope alive that we will one day be parents. Hope that I’ll be blessed to feel life grow inside me, that the Lord will knit together a life inside my womb and I would be one of the lucky ones to know what it is like.