The past few weeks have been insanely difficult. Something about the time alone during the summer has me thinking way too much and being very lonely until my husband gets home. I struggle to find peace and positivity around not having children… It has been really hard. A friend recently shared an article with me (that you should check out) that says almost exactly what I have been feeling and thinking, except the author came out on the other side with children, with her “happy ending.” The writing points out that this season of my life is not to reward me for my so-called patience with children on the other end of this, but rather to mold me more into the image of Jesus. I am not guaranteed children; I am not even guaranteed one more breath.
That does not make me feel better, if I were to be completely honest. Does it make me lean on and depend on God more than ever, and therefore sanctifying me more? Yes. Do I feel like dancing around and jumping for joy? Not always. My sin nature has been taking over my thoughts for sure, but it has also been an exercise to fill my mind with God.
As awful as I have felt over these weeks, I want to put in more effort to put a positive spin on it. I am not going to try to guess what my future (be it with or without my own children) holds, but what I do know is that in a couple weeks, my life is going to be flooded with children for the fifth year in a row. Once school starts, I am going to have more babies to take care of than I often know what to do with. I am grateful to work in a school where the focus is on the children’s well-being first, and one of the topics we discuss often when it comes time for school to start is that our “discipline problem” children are the ones that need school to start the most. Some of our students have had terrible summers and need the structure and love that they will find in our building. Some students had a great summer and are extremely excited to come back and be with their friends and teachers. There are even some students that are eager to learn and cannot wait what projects and topics are in store. We have students that are nervous and anxious about returning, and they need nurturing and care so that they can get the best intellectual, social, emotional, and interpersonal education possible.
I know myself, and I know that I am going to use having these children to take care of as a distraction from my own sadness, and that is not exactly healthy. At the same time, I am getting ready to start another month of hormones at a higher dosage paired with direct injections of another hormone, so yall know that I am going to be a hot mess some days. I need to be aware of what is going on and make sure that I inform myself so that my students do not suffer for my insanity.
Once I get to know my classes, I am pretty open with my students; I like to let them know that I am a human being too. I obviously do not tell them everything, but I enjoy answering their questions. They know I’m married, they know my husband’s name, my dog’s name, that I live in Newport News (which is actually helpful because it reminds them I live far away from them, where they can’t find me). They know a lot about me, but I have been keeping my desire for children out of their sphere of information. Naturally, out of the curious minds of children, I get the questions often:
“Do you have any kids?
Do you want kids?
When will you have kids?”
I often answer these students truthfully, that I have no kids, I would love kids, and that for now, my focus is on teaching them.
I am not a perfect teacher and I never will be. I have a lot more on my plate this year than I initially realized, both in and out of school, and I am going to do all of the jobs to the best of my ability. I am going to try my best not to distract myself on purpose, but also not to let the days pass me by too quickly. I do not want to forget all that I have been going through to try and get pregnant, but I also need to remember that it still may not happen for me, because I am not owed anything. My students deserve my love and attention and my best teaching, and not because they earned it, but because they are worth it, no matter how much they act like doofuses.
Verbal Processing 