We Hit the Ground Running

This past Saturday, I had an egg retrieval for IVF!

Even though we hit a lot of obstacles getting to this point, it finally happened, and I am recovering well and quickly. I had to do injections for 14 days to prepare for the retrieval which included a trigger shot that I had to have my husband do for me. The trigger shot was a much larger needle than the rest of the injections (so far) and it had to be injected on my backside since it was an intramuscular injection.

I have had a LOT of appointments up until this point though and it is more than exhausting planning for things at school and making sub plans last minute (as I have already expressed my stress levels about). This past week, when things were still up in the air, I had to deal with a pretty stressful situation in which my brother saved my butt. I had an appointment on Wednesday morning where I was told I would most likely take my trigger shot that night and then have the egg retrieval on Friday. I had already taken time off for Friday earlier that week and had sub plans ready to go.

Then I got a phone call Wednesday afternoon around noon… I needed to take the stimulation medicine for one or two more days and that my retrieval was going to be pushed back to Saturday or Sunday, also I would have to go back in Thursday morning. I could deal with that and figure out the sub plans and time off, but I had a bigger problem: I was out of stimulation injections. The doctor offered to have someone on their team find some samples that I could come back to get. Then it got more interesting: I had to pick it up in their Richmond office (there were not any samples in Norfolk) and I had to pick it up before their office closed at 3:15. Also, I had to take these injections by 6:00pm. (Remember that I live in Newport News and work in Windsor).

I panicked a little bit and called my husband to try and figure this out. I had just gotten to work a little over an hour ago and if I was going to make it to Richmond in time, I would have to leave right now and find coverage for my classes. My husband was not able to leave work. I thought about how one of my brothers lived in Richmond and wondered if I could send him to pick up the medicines for me. I called my brother and, luckily for me, his classes had been canceled for the day. That meant he was free to do me a HUGE favor. I called the doctor’s office back, and finally got to a point where I could send my brother to pick up the medicine for me.

That morning I drove from Newport News to Norfolk, from Norfolk to Windsor, left work in Windsor immediately after the students left to drive to Richmond, and then drove back home to Newport News to take my medicines before my husband and I went to small group at church that night. I was TIRED that night.

After my appointment the next morning, I got the word that my follicles were finally big enough and my hormone levels were finally high enough. I took the trigger shot at 8:00pm on Thursday night to prepare for the egg retrieval at 8:00am on Saturday (it has to be precisely timed). My husband did the trigger shot for me Thursday night and then drove me to my appointment in Richmond early Saturday morning that we left for at 5:30am.

My husband cared for, and has continued to care for, me in the best ways. He made sure I was comfy, took a nap, ate foods I could handle, he has cooked and cleaned and taken care of everything as I have recovered.

Going into the retrieval, my doctor said that I had 6-7 follicles that would be possible eggs. Once I woke up from the procedure, the doctor told me that they got 6 eggs. This morning I got the phone call to let me know of the fertilization results of the 6 eggs:

5 of the eggs were mature, 1 was not mature enough to do anything with
1 of the eggs did not fertilize
2 of the eggs definitely fertilized
2 of the eggs could go either way

As of now, we are taking this as good news. I will get a phone call on Tuesday to let me know what time my possible appointment will be for an embryo transfer in Richmond on Thursday. Thursday morning they will give me a call to let me know if one of the embryos is developed enough for me to have a transfer that day or if they need to wait an extra day. The rest of the embryos (if we have any) will be frozen for us to try and have more kids later on.

I have been telling others that we are practicing cautious optimism. Of course we wish all of the eggs had fertilized, we also wish that we had a kid or two by now. The fertilized eggs still may not get to what is called blastocyst stage, so we are still praying for healthy development of the eggs that fertilized.

A quick shot of campus at my alma mater, CNU!

It’s Been Awhile…

The past month or so has been very difficult for me, so of course I bottled up my feelings and stopped writing so I didn’t have to deal with it. Lately though, it’s been bubbling over and apparently I should probably deal with it.

I feel like I have been surrounded by good news with none to deliver for myself. Don’t get me wrong, I love Love and I love babies, so seeing other people announce with great pride and joy that they are pregnant, I rejoice with them. It hurts my heart, but due to my lack, not their gain. I never want anyone to think that their joy should be hidden from me or that it hurts me. I just happen to see all of the announcements and my lack of pregnancy is what stings. My heart has been heavy lately, and it seems to be getting worse.

I thought it would get easier once I had a rough month and then moved on, but it seems like I am falling deeper and deeper into a sadness and I feel more and more physically empty. I feel a space inside my abdomen that is void of life and where I long a life to be. I am a little bit sad all of the time. I am having a more difficult time pushing thoughts to the back of my mind, I am constantly thinking about wanting to be a mom. My students are constant reminders of children, even when they’re being doofuses. I long to have doofuses of my own to be confused by.

I am blessed immensely, despite my sadness. My marriage gets stronger and so does my faith and trust in the Lord, I know that others going through what I am going through cannot say the same. I can’t explain it, but it can only be God’s infinite grace and goodness that has kept my faith strong. I am grateful for my Savior and have not felt anger toward Him. I am grateful for my husband, for
his prayers and honesty, for his love and comfort. It’s been an excellent season for my faith and my marriage, despite everything else.

But the everything else is still overwhelming. We are coming up on the two year mark of when we starting “trying” to get pregnant. Two years of getting my hopes up just to be crushed. Two years of waiting every day for a period to start. Two years of off and on I could go back and count how many periods I have had naturally, but to spare all my insanity, I am going to guess about 7 times. I have probably had a NATURAL period about seven times in the past 24 months.

One of the positive things that has happened is that I had a period naturally this month! It was a little traumatic starting at school without a warning (I felt like a middle-school girl), and it lasted for 12 days, BUT it means that my body did something right. I may not have ovulated, but generally
a normal period means that I ovulated at some point, and that glimmer of hope brings me joy.

I went to the endocrinologist early January to look at elevated DHEA-S (a type of male hormone) and elevated A1C. I was labeled as pre-diabetic and put on metformin, a diabetes drug. I have to take my blood sugar every morning (so far I’ve been “in range” every morning). I’ll have a blood test in three weeks to check my A1C level and then a follow up appointment the week after that. I have been slightly overwhelmed with the diabetic information. The doctor prescribed a glucose monitor without telling me how to use it and when, I don’t know what a normal range is, and I can’t seem to find the right depth of needle to get the right amount of blood for the reader. It’s a lot for me to learn and I have a whole new level of respect for diabetics. I welcome any advice or help.

The elevated hormone levels are all due to the PCOS. I am hopeful that the metformin will regulate my insulin levels which supposedly will cause a reaction that will regulate the DHEA-S. The elevated male hormone is why I gain weight around my gut first. There’s a possibility that the metformin will cause a chain-reaction of me losing weight and ovulating regularly, increasing my chances of pregnancy. There is a wide world of literature on the relationship between metformin and PCOS, which is overwhelming, but promising.

My husband has an appointment to see the urologist at the end of February. It used to be scheduled for the end of January (an appointment we made a couple months previous), but we received a letter in the mail when we returned from our Christmas trip saying the doctor would be out of the office when our first appointment was scheduled for and that we had been rescheduled for nearly a month later. We were pretty upset by the news and the manner in which it was delivered, but we are on a cancellation list and calling to check in on the status.

The medical bills and phone calls with insurance have been a lot to deal with, but we have been blessed by family and friends, both financially and emotionally. Luckily, the people on the phone and online messaging have also been pleasant, making it a lot easier (especially for someone who gets an elevated heart rate ordering a pizza on the phone).

We are blessed, and I am still sad. The two feelings can coexist, and we pray that one day we have a child. It won’t be the cure for sadness, I know that, but it would be the cure for that particular sadness.

Thank you to anyone who reads these, especially those who are going through or have gone through the same thing we are. It is encouraging to be reminded that I am not alone.

A picture I took of my sister’s backyard one morning.

The Text: An Update

We had our appointment.

I think it went really well, and I’m having difficulty processing everything that happened, but I feel good.

For my sanity and to let my brain rest, I am going to tell everyone who reads this by copying and pasting the text I sent my family and a few friends. I promise I care about these posts, but I also know some of you want to know so here it is!

We met with our new doctor and she is very kind and thorough! She is not wanting to jump to IVF yet, she said she wants to make sure she has tried everything else before going down that road. She was glad we had done so much already! She took a lot of blood from both Josh and I and is going to do hormone testing. The PCOS diagnosis stands, but she is calling it Irregular Menses for now while she gets more hormone testing done. Knowing that I was able to ovulate once with hormone therapy, she wants to try upping the dosage of Clomid and do injections. We are not going to do that yet until Josh’s hormone testing comes back. He is also being referred to a urologist to get an answer about whether his lack of good concentration and motility of sperm is due to a hormonal problem or a physical obstruction. At this point, we are kind of waiting until his appointment and the outcome of that. If the urologist says we are good to go with a little bit of hormone therapy for Josh, we will just focus on giving us both hormones. If there is something physical they can do for Josh (like if there’s a cyst or vein problem) they will handle that and see if it can help us and then just do hormones for me. If they can only do a little bit for Josh, we will try IUI (which is In-Utero Insemination, or as I casually and grossly call it, the turkey baster) after giving me hormones to start ovulation. If they can’t get me to ovulate, we will look at IVF. She answered almost all of my questions and worries about creating embryos and how I don’t want to discard any successful embryos and she said the process will probably allow for me to have 2-3 successful embryos after extracting 8-12 eggs. My AMH level is low for my age still which shows that I do not have a lot of eggs left, so she is very glad that we are addressing this now as opposed to a few years from now when I would have far less eggs. Overall, it was a good appointment, but now we will be waiting some more as we wait for an appointment to be scheduled for Josh at the urologist. Pray for a cancellation so they can get him in sooner! I am a little overwhelmed with all of the information, but I feel good about it!
My text to family

Again, I am excited about the possibilities! I also am happy to talk to anyone about this in person or over text. I love answering questions!

Thank you all for your concern and love. I will keep blogging as more things happen!

Waiting…waiting…waiting…

It has been 60 days since my last doctors visit regarding fertility and 45 days since my last period. 45 days since I found out I wasn’t pregnant after my first positive ovulation test since I starting taking OPTs (ovulation predictor tests). Over two months ago I scheduled my first appointment with the Jones Institute in Newport News, and it is finally almost here. Our first appointment is this Friday, and time is moving slower than it ever has before.

When I was in middle school, my seventh grade English teacher always said, “It’s all relative. Everything is relative, especially time.” I knew what it meant, but only in the past two months have I really felt the weight of those words. The past two months have felt like a year. I ask my husband almost every day if we can start the adoption process because I am sick of waiting around and doing nothing. It feels like every day is a day I’m wasting not trying to get pregnant.

Every story, book, and blog post I have read about other women struggling with infertility have all said that the worst part about all of it is the waiting and the weeks in between. Are they sanctifying weeks? Sure, but they still suck.

As Friday approaches, I jump quickly back and forth between different feelings. There is a lot of excitement between my husband and I about taking the next steps. Every person I have talked to about the Jones Institute has said amazing things or said that they heard from someone else how they got pregnant going there. I am excited to get my questions asked and hopefully answered. At the same time, I’m so worried about what answers I am going to get, that I would almost rather not ask at all. Do not even get me started on the fears I have about the financial part of this journey. Is it wise to go into debt? Are my options going to fit into our morals?

Those of you who I see often know how busy I am in and outside of work. I have added responsibilities at work, I have a student teacher right now, my only free night during the week is Tuesday (and even then I always have a meeting after school), and the rest of the nights I have something to do. They are all wonderful things, and I love all of it. I am just trying to paint a picture of how busy I am.

Usually, when we are busy, time goes a little faster, jumping from one thing to the next. But even in this incredibly busy time, when I always have something to do, some task to achieve or an ever-lengthening to-do list, I can not help but feel that time is dragging on. I want Friday to be now. I want pregnancy to be tomorrow. I want to be a mother yesterday.

If you’ve read my posts before, you know that I know the “correct” answers and I know what is true. You know that I’m just venting and processing my feelings. So please, pray for me and my husband, and if anyone has the power to speed my relative time, please do so.

Overwhelmed, but OK

So far, this school year has been very busy. I bit off more than I can chew, so I spit some out and am focusing on what I have left and what is important. October has been the first month that I have not been on hormones and I think my body freaked out going through a type of withdrawal, which led to an emotional rollercoaster and feeling physically awful.

In September, I went for my last cycle of hormones at the doctor I was seeing previously and for the first time ever, it looked like I was going to ovulate. In my last post, I explained a little more in detail what this looked like and, as I explained in my last post, I was incredibly hopeful and excited.

One of the worst things that I’ve been told over and over the past month or so is “at least you know you CAN ovulate.” That’s great, and it’s true, but all I feel is that I’ve lost something that could have been… someONE that could have been. Is that irrational? Probably. But boy does my heart hurt. I feel like my heart is slowly getting fainter and fainter. BUT, If you have said this to me recently, know that I am not mad at you or upset, and I probably forgot that you specifically said it to me. I appreciate and honor your joy and optimism! Please know that I love and appreciate you.

I read this in a book recently, and it sums up how I feel about being sad. The author can say it much better than I can:

“Grief is not the opposite of faith. Mourning is not the opposite of hope. I believe that well-meaning Christians can try to hurry us out of our mourning because we make them uncomfortable. The Bible does not say to cheer up the bereaved, but rather to ‘mourn with those who mourn.’ Christ does not say we grieve because we are deficient in faith, but rather, ‘Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted [not rushed]’ (Matthew 5:4).”
Jennifer Saake, Hannah’s Hope

I know in my head what is rational and I knew that our chances were low, but I still let my heart get excited and not one person can say anything to heal the hurt I have inside. I’m overwhelmingly blessed by my husband that has continued to check on me and just let me be there with him. He is always there for me, and he always points me back to the Lord for comfort.

Even though I’ve been at an emotional low recently, I have been in a spiritual high. I’ve felt nothing but joy and excitement for others having babies and getting pregnant. There has not been one ounce of bitterness. A close friend of mine had her baby a couple weeks ago and the moment I saw that sweet baby, all I could think of was how much of a miracle babies are. So many things have to go right to get pregnant in the first place and then so many things have to go right for nine months straight for there to be a baby at the end. I saw that baby and just got so excited for her parents and that she was here in the world with us. I love that baby so so much.

I’ve had many friends announce their pregnancies this month and several of them are people who have been experiencing trouble getting pregnant themselves, so I’ve been rejoicing with them. Their joy does not add to my sadness. I’ve said it before, and I meant it then, but this time I truly feel joy for them and in my own heart as well. Pregnancy is so cool; I really, REALLY want it for myself.

I have an appointment scheduled in November to go to the Jones Institute. They will probably do another work up including blood tests and exams, exams on my husband, and talk to us about the next steps. I have been told by my previous doctor that they will probably recommend IVF or IUI. There are a lot of things I have to learn and many questions I have to be answered, but I’m hoping this new chapter of this journey will bring more answers and maybe some more hope.

Quick Question(s)

I have had a lot of thoughts on my mind recently. As the name of this blog suggests, I am going to verbally process (through typing). I know a lot of what I am about to say is dumb and many of you will have thoughts and things to say, but know that I am not seeking advice or pity. I just need to get this out:

I have struggled a lot with what is in line with God’s plan and our having children. I end up asking myself many questions, many of which conflict with each other:

What if it’s God’s plan for us not to have kids?
How will we know whether it is or not?
Are we not trusting in God enough if we go to see the doctor?
Aren’t doctors God’s will?
At what point will we know if we’re just being stubborn?
Is it wise to spend money on medical bills for something that may never happen?
How do I know if I am not trusting the Lord?
What the heck is wrong with me?

My husband has been very helpful in allowing me to ask these questions out loud so that they don’t seem so ridiculous and we can talk through and pray about them. But one thing lingers. The greatest internal struggle that I am harboring the most is this: What is the balance between trusting in the natural human body and God’s sovereignty versus utilizing modern medicine, which was created by God? How I wish there was a meter that could show me what my heart is truly placing trust in.

Soon, it will be time to go back to school. Assuming I do not get pregnant this month, the next steps involve a higher dose of ovulation hormones paired with direct injections of another hormone.

My. Poor. Students.

Knowing what the lower dosage of just one hormone did to my mood and emotions, I can only imagine what the next steps will be like. If you are a coworker of mine, I apologize in advance (although many of you that know me well enough know that I do not have any trouble saying “I’m sorry”). Know that I will continue to do my best at work and put my students first always, but also know that if you hear the kids saying things about me going crazy, there is at least a reason this time.

Also for the Dudes

It is summer. It is HOT. It is a great time to go to the beach or to read a book in the air conditioning. As much as I love summer time and the break from teaching, the heat can make me a little irritable. I am terrible at caring myself as a human being and do not drink enough water as it is, so when I end up in the sweltering heat, I get headaches from mild dehydration and they NEVER GO AWAY so I get grumpy. However, it is still one of the most valuable times I have, especially in this season of our lives where my husband’s job changes hours and I get to see him all day long on Fridays. We get to travel a little bit and have the beautiful opportunities to see our families. It’s down time that I treasure and will not take for granted.

One of the most helpful parts about the infertility journey we have been on has been my husband. He lets me cry, yell, and makes me laugh by running around wrestling with the dog. This month has given us a sliver of hope. I started my period ON MY OWN (without Progesterone pills) and it was terrible and painful and exciting and exhausting. I curled up on the couch for an entire day because my body was figuratively giving me the middle finger. This means, however, that I ovulated at some point. It was way past even the extended window, so I did not know. My doctor even told me to stop taking ovulation prediction tests past a certain point to avoid emotional turmoil and disappointment. It also means that we missed conceiving, which is extremely disheartening. It will not break us though.

In writing this, I realized that I have been talking a lot about “girl stuff” that could very well make a lot of men (and women) uncomfortable. I want to say publicly that I understand, but I am only a little bit sorry, particularly to the men. My husband had one brother so he was not completely submerged with the constant conversations about periods and tampons and shaving and boobs hurting that was the estrogen-ridden fort that was my upbringing. He has had a lot of questions and has learned a lot about the female body ever since we got married and do you know what makes him the absolute best? He has NEVER made me feel gross or kept me at a distance. He has humbled himself to a level where he has been willing to learn and to ask questions with a lot of patience.

It is my hope that everyone is willing to learn about the disaster that is the female reproductive system. You do not have to be a woman trying to get pregnant to read about this. In fact, I hope it helps you sympathize with some of your friends and family. You could be a father, a brother, a sister, an uncle, an aunt, grandparent, friend, or coworker; I hope you find one thing to learn about. It is ok to ask questions. Clearly, there is a time and place to have these conversations, but to really help your friends, ask the hard questions and ask how they are doing. There is still a weird air around talking about uteruses and fallopian tubes and how the whole thing works. I believe it would be easier to have those conversations if we all learned a little bit more.

I have a strong faith in the Lord and that this season in our life is for our sanctification, but I have had moments where I am angry and I start to question what God’s hand is in all of this. I get mad, sad, and disappointed all of the time and I want to scream at the sky and throw things. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, it is ok to have emotions. I am blessed to be surrounded by a community of family and friends that will take the time to be mad and sad with me when I need it. I am also blessed by those same people knowing me well enough to say, “You’re being dumb. Shut up.” Then I look around and think about all of the good in my life and I tell myself “you’re being a little dumb, shut up.” Then I apologize to the sky for yelling at it.

I’ve been dabbling in photography so I’m going to start uploading random pictures I take

Fwd: Great Advice

This week has been pretty awesome mentally. I have spent a lot of time praying and reading my bible, going for walks outside, tending to the garden, hanging out with my husband, seeing some of my family, and getting a lot of projects done around the house. I’ve felt myself starting to slip into over-thinking life, and this week I’ve been able to flip those thoughts into positive ones. Physically, I have been a MESS with weird things being sore and hurting and not being able to get up in the mornings, but it’s easier than having my brain fall into mush.

For those following my journey, this week has been uneventful in the infertility realm. I never tested positive for ovulation which was to be expected since the follicles in my ovary did not mature enough. I will wait about another week before calling my doctor and getting prescribed Progesterone again to bring on another period and then Letrozole again, accompanied with a few ultrasounds. Yay.

For this week’s post, I wanted to share a few pieces of advice that I have gotten following my first blog. When I first posted it, I got a lot of encouragement and kind words. If you know me, you know that I do not do well to receive “niceness.” I quickly responded to many of you and I just want you all to know: I do appreciate it and I love you for reaching out to me. I may not be good at responding to emotional words in the moment, but be assured, I cherish your words. After a few days, I started to get some advice from women who are going through or have gone through what I am currently. These words were more practical and I wanted to share them with you:

IT IS OK TO BE MAD

One of the first face-to-face conversations I had after my first post was with a coworker who has experienced difficulties far beyond mine in terms of pregnancy. She pulled me aside and we had an awesome conversation about how it just sucks and sometimes there is nothing anyone can do to console you. Letting the emotions out is healthy. Anger, sadness, confusion… they are all valid emotions and if you didn’t feel them, it would be considered weird. This advice has helped me combat the never-helpful words of “just don’t think about it.” Feeling and processing different emotions helps you to grow as a human in empathy and sympathy. Allow the feelings to shape you into a stronger (yet softer) woman.

DO NOT BE AFRAID TO ASK YOUR DOCTOR QUESTIONS

Two of my friends messaged me about their struggles with pregnancy and discovering a lot of physical issues that manifested in the worst ways while carrying their babies. They had no clue that they had the conditions until after they were pregnant, making the entire nine months a season of uncertainty and fear for their health and the lives of their babies. Both ladies said that a few blood tests could reveal so much about themselves so that they could face pregnancy prepared. The journey these ladies faced would make you weep. They both have wonderful, beautiful, adventurous babies and they wouldn’t trade them for the world.

All of this being said, your doctor is there for a reason. It is ok to ask questions. In fact, not only is it ok, but it’s the doctors job to help you! This crazy, over-apologetic lady always ends up feeling bad for requesting someone to do their job. Learn about your genetics, learn about your parents’ health, get blood tests, request information. No question is too dumb if it’s going to help you get pregnant. I wish that I had asked more questions sooner. Initially I was told to try to get pregnant naturally for a year with no medication before seeking treatment. Part of me is glad I allowed my body to reset, but there is still a small part that wishes I sought help sooner.

YOU DO NOT HAVE TO APOLOGIZE

Many of the stories I heard from others following my journey immediately told me that I needed to stop saying “sorry.” This is something I struggle with in all aspects of my life. I say sorry at home, at work, to my family, to inanimate objects when I bump into them… it’s a problem. After reading everyone’s stories about infertility, I noticed that no one apologized for sharing their story, something I constantly feel the urge to do. Women have reached out to me and men have reached out to my husband. Not a single person has apologized because there is absolutely NO NEED TO! If you ever feel the need to apologize, stop and ask yourself, “what am I apologizing for?”

I am grateful for all of the advice and comfort that my husband and I have been given. This week has given me hope even though I am not pregnant and I am just waiting. It’s given me hope because I am surrounded by amazing humans who are loving and supporting. Friends and family are actively praying for us and sending us sweet cards and messages. God is revealing to us every day how blessed we are and how great our life is. That does not mean we are going to stop trying and that we will not have bad days, but weeks like this help our heart to heal a little bit.