A Confession and An Update

If you have not noticed, these posts are being fewer and further in between. Part of that is because less is happening less often. There have been really long periods of waiting for the next thing and the next doctor’s appointment. The other part is that I have emotionally been bottling a lot up. I have not wanted to talk about how I am feeling or admit my darkest thoughts and feelings.

For those of you who do not know, we are starting the daunting journey into IVF (In-Virto Fertilization). I am in a state of whirling back and forth between being incredibly excited and absolutely terrified. I was on Provera for ten days and then it took twelve days for a period (or withdrawl bleed) to start. It should have happened between two and ten days after stopping the medication.

After I finally started, I had a saline sonogram to check for fibroids and poylps or other irregularities as well as a trial/mock transfer to prepare for the real thing. It was NOT PLEASANT. I cramped so much that I was exhausted the rest of the day. They found that my uterus looks great, but I was still bleeding even though it was day eight of my cycle, making the pictures hazy. Because it was hazy, they had to inject more saline a few more times than they were anticipating, which was the cause of the extra cramping. When they were finished with the sonogram, they did an ultrasound to check my ovaries. They saw a large cyst on my left ovary at which all three doctors in the room said in chorus, “OOOHHHHH!!!” Apparently the collapsing cyst was the cause of my period lasting so long, why it took me so long to start bleeding, and why there was still so much blood. It will probably also affect whether or not I ovulate on time.

I am currently taking ovulation tests to try and determine when I ovulate. If I don’t have an LH surge (essentially meaning I ovulated) by this Monday, I will have to get bloodwork done to determine where I am in my cycle. Depending on how that turns out will determine when I start using estrogen patches that I will replace every few days.

Once the cycle after this coming one starts (hopefully on a typical timeline) I will start the injection and medication regimen for IVF. We have already ordered and received the IVF medications. YALL. There are SO MANY MEDICATIONS. I had heard about all of the medications and the insanity that comes with it. When the box appeared on my front porch, I could not believe the Mary Poppins-esque box as I continued to pull out medication after medication.

Unfortunately, timing is not on my side. When I start injections and medications to prepare for the egg retrieval and the embryo transfer, I will have to go in every two to three days for ultrasounds and blood work to determine dosing. These will all end up happening during the first month of school, which is not exactly convenient. After having such a ridiculous year and a half at school from “you know what,” I do not want to put my students through more inconsistency. I know this is a price to pay and that finally getting pregnant is important, but please pray for my babies and for me to help them have a sense of solidarity.

Before we could even start this process, my husband and I had to watch several video modules to prepare for this process. We watched over an hours worth of material before we could sign consents and documents. I then had to watch several videos on how to mix, extract, and take the injectable medicines. Talk about overwhelming. As I watched them, all I could think about are all the women that have had to go through this already and many times. I am in awe of their strength (as well as their organization!)

In the past few months, I have had the realization that I need to confess something to myself and maybe to those around me. I am starting to become really jealous of those with babies and those who are pregnant. It did not used to bother me before; I love babies and I love being around babies!! Recently, however, I have found myself looking around me, longing to be in other’s position, thinking about how things would be if I was “normal” and had children already. I want to say again though, I am not upset to be around your babies. I am not upset to see your baby pictures. They bring me so much joy and I am sincerely grateful to have a glimpse into your life and into the life of your sweet babies. I just want to be you, to be in your position, now more than ever.

If you are reading this and you are one of my dear friends who is pregnant or has a baby, please know that I love you and your baby dearly. I do not feel anything negative toward you. I want to hang out with you and I want to hold your baby and I want to help you (if you want it!) with your baby and talk with you about how motherhood has been wonderful or awful. I want you to be honest with me and share your life with me. My jealousy is my problem that I am working through, but it does not and should not affect my relationship with you and your sweet children.

I am grateful for where we are and I am grateful that this process is on its way. We love you all and appreciate the prayers and well wishes! If things go well, we could have the opportunity to be pregnant by the beginning of October!