Overwhelmed

I’ve been complaining a lot lately. I am kind of sorry for it, but I have been overwhelmed (just like everyone else is right now). My complaining has not been productive which in turn makes me angry at myself. I want to have a reason for doing the things. That being said, I am grateful for the outlet to complain because it makes things more tangible and real.

So far in our infertility journey, nothing substantial has happened because we are just waiting for me to ovulate. The problem is that I currently have a cyst that is keeping me from ovulating and is not doing much itself. I thought it was bursting this past weekend, but my appointment today said otherwise. We cannot move forward until the cyst goes away and then I have to ovulate. Once I ovulate, we can hopefully, actually, and eventually go through the IVF process. The biggest struggle I am having logistically is balancing work and these appointments prepping for IVF. I keep having to go in for monitoring appointments to tell me what I already know, that I have not ovulated yet. I have been taking my ovulation tests every day and they have not even been close to a positive result. I am currently on day FIFTY of my “cycle” with no end in sight.

When I have an appointment, they have to be before 9:30 in the morning so that they can get the blood tested in time to give me results before the end of the day. This is standard procedure for IVF patients. The issue that I am having is that I live in Newport News, the office is in Norfolk, and I work in Windsor. It takes me almost an hour to get to my appointment thanks to the HRBT and then an hour to get to work. I end up having to take a half day off of work so that I can get a substitute teacher and they would need to be there for half a day to earn their pay. So I end up missing four hours of work for what is usually a ten to fifteen minute appointment that I am having at least once a week. I am struggling to write meaningful lesson plans that a substitute can do well and easily enough. Honestly, I am also running out of good ideas.

Missing my classes has brought me a lot of stress as I fight to try and bring back some normalcy to my classroom after all that has happened over the past couple years. I want to be a solid teacher with good routines and procedures so that my students can thrive, but if I am not there often enough to reinforce it, I end up getting frustrated at the lack of order (which is not necessarily bad, but it makes room for more creativity in the long run.) I feel like I am doing a disservice to my kids and I can not explain to them why this is happening and why I am gone so much.

I am so sick and tired of waiting. I try to be graceful about waiting and hide my lack of patience with breathing and praying, but I am at the brink of emotional exhaustion; I feel myself about the explode. At some point the tears will fall and I am not sure if I will be able to stop them. I am frustrated with the situation and even more frustrated with my body.

We continue to trust the Lord and His timing in all of this. My husband and I cling to Christ first and then to each other. Pray for my sanity, pray for my kids, and pray for my ding dang ovaries to get with the program.