It has been 60 days since my last doctors visit regarding fertility and 45 days since my last period. 45 days since I found out I wasn’t pregnant after my first positive ovulation test since I starting taking OPTs (ovulation predictor tests). Over two months ago I scheduled my first appointment with the Jones Institute in Newport News, and it is finally almost here. Our first appointment is this Friday, and time is moving slower than it ever has before.
When I was in middle school, my seventh grade English teacher always said, “It’s all relative. Everything is relative, especially time.” I knew what it meant, but only in the past two months have I really felt the weight of those words. The past two months have felt like a year. I ask my husband almost every day if we can start the adoption process because I am sick of waiting around and doing nothing. It feels like every day is a day I’m wasting not trying to get pregnant.
Every story, book, and blog post I have read about other women struggling with infertility have all said that the worst part about all of it is the waiting and the weeks in between. Are they sanctifying weeks? Sure, but they still suck.
As Friday approaches, I jump quickly back and forth between different feelings. There is a lot of excitement between my husband and I about taking the next steps. Every person I have talked to about the Jones Institute has said amazing things or said that they heard from someone else how they got pregnant going there. I am excited to get my questions asked and hopefully answered. At the same time, I’m so worried about what answers I am going to get, that I would almost rather not ask at all. Do not even get me started on the fears I have about the financial part of this journey. Is it wise to go into debt? Are my options going to fit into our morals?
Those of you who I see often know how busy I am in and outside of work. I have added responsibilities at work, I have a student teacher right now, my only free night during the week is Tuesday (and even then I always have a meeting after school), and the rest of the nights I have something to do. They are all wonderful things, and I love all of it. I am just trying to paint a picture of how busy I am.
Usually, when we are busy, time goes a little faster, jumping from one thing to the next. But even in this incredibly busy time, when I always have something to do, some task to achieve or an ever-lengthening to-do list, I can not help but feel that time is dragging on. I want Friday to be now. I want pregnancy to be tomorrow. I want to be a mother yesterday.
If you’ve read my posts before, you know that I know the “correct” answers and I know what is true. You know that I’m just venting and processing my feelings. So please, pray for me and my husband, and if anyone has the power to speed my relative time, please do so.